Took the kid to the Christmas pantomime. Apparently, Walt Disney owns the rights to the names of the the Dwarves. Most productions have to change the names, to avoid paying royalties. In our panto they had The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause. There was: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Psycho, Bloated, Forgetful and Snapper.
It gladdened my soul to see the Salvation Army band playing Christmas carols in the Town Hall Square last night. I threw a few coins in the collection and a little old lady threw a fiver in! “Thank you very much ma’am" sez the conductor "Because of your generosity, you can have any hymn you want" "I'll have him over there on the trumpet!" she replied.
Mary Berry Christmas Recipe Book! I tried to make octopus soup, yesterday, but it turned out to be an absolute disaster! It took me well over an hour to get the ambidextrous critter in the pan and then when I put it on the hob, the little devil kept turning the gas off!
A travel agent looked up from his desk on Christmas Eve and saw an older lady and an older gentleman peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a cracking week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop. "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off! About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency. "And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing perplexed me. Who was that smelly old bloke that I had to share the room with?"
It was Christmas Eve, when a copper stopped a Scouser coming out of Currys PC World. “I have reason to believe that you have been shoplifting, so I’m going to perform a search. Now tell me, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?” The Scouser replied, “No, officer. Only Sony and Panasonic!”
With Christmastide on the horizon, I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchen cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ last September. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website:www.ComedianUK.com or email me: email@example.com
Now, get back to work!