The countdown is on! Marks And Spencers new TV advertisement states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. They're quite correct too! Without M & S it would spell ‘Chrita’.
I was at a Christmas party when the DJ suddenly announced, “All the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living”. The barman was nearly crushed to death! The barman said to me: "Your glass is empty. Do you want another one?" I looked at him and replied, "Why would l want two empty glasses?"
This bloke called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "This is Mr
Scroggins. I need you to bury my wife." "Mr. Scroggins? Mr Bert Scroggins?"
"Yes, that's correct." "Didn't I bury your wife ten years ago?" the undertaker asked.
"I got married again," the bloke sobbed. "Oh!" replied the undertaker. "Congratulations!"
"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you? It goes in one ear and straight out of the other." This always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me. I took her to my local pub disco at The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, last weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had; break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the whole nine yards. The missus turned to me and sez, "See that fella over there, twenty five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." I replied, "It looks like he's still flamin’ celebrating!"
Popped into a cafe on the High Street yesterday. I shouted over the waitress and curtly informed her, "This all-day breakfast is stone cold." She replied, "Well what did you expect? It's been there all day!"
Teacher asks 9 year old Ben in class, “Spell the word ‘Straight.’ Ben answers, “S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T, miss.” “Correct, now what does it mean?” enquired the teacher. Ben thought for a moment and replied, “Without water, miss”.
Thought for Thursday: There is no pleasure in having nothing whatsoever to do; the real fun is in having loads to do and not doing it...
My missus asked me, "What did you buy me for Christmas?" "Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes over there?” "Yes," she said cheerily. "Well I bought you a hairbrush the exact same colour." I said, “I’m only joking, your present is under the tree." "Ooh what is it?" She said excitedly. "A root" I replied.
This whimsical Christmastide column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, tinselly tonsils, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than Santa’s elves. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com Email me: email@example.com