Picked Up By The Fuzz!

                                       

Got pulled over by the police last night. He said, "Sir, are you aware that your vehicle was swerving all over the road?" I replied, "Sorry ossifer, but I've necked ten pints of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, down The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub and feel a tad bladdered." He gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and sez, "That's no excuse to let your missus drive!"

                                      

I used to just adore fairground grub when I was a kid.......... Toffee apples, candy floss, hot dogs etc. But my favourite was them there boil in the bag goldfish....



                                       

It would seem to me that there are two types of people that you meet in this world:
1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

                                 

I always carry a photo of the wife & kids in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no flippin’
money in there....


                                

Strictly Come Dancing makes a welcome return! My problem is that I have two left feet and cannot dance to save my life. But as soon as I step in dog poo, I can Moonwalk betterer than Michael Jackson...


                                          

I was in a club with my pal Barmy Albert last night, and we both spotted a gang of birds sat on the bar stools. As quick as a flash, we both started dancing right next to them. When about 15 minutes had elapsed, I wiped the perspiration from my brow and sez, "Albert, I don't think this is working very well." "I don't either," he breathlessly replied, "Maybe we could do with some music."

                                                         Drink Plenty of Water!

I'm thinking of taking an Astrology course at the local college, so I have applied for a Russell Grant...


                                         

Yesterday, the wife stormed into the room with my phone and screamed "I've just been looking through your mobile and you've been talking to some other woman!" I looked up guiltily & responded "It’s true. We speak for hours every day" She broke down sobbing, then sniffled "Why? What’s she got that I haven't?" "Unlimited minutes" I replied.


                                    

If you find a shell at the seaside, then take it home, sit on the sofa and hold it closely to your ear, you’ll discover that you can still hear the wife nagging through the other ear. Fascinating!

                                              

I tried to share meat pie, chips, mushy peas and gravy with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench in Manchester last night. He told me to f**k off and buy my own!


                                     

Just logged on to the Diabetes Awareness site and it asked me: "Will you accept cookies?" Do you think they're trying to catch me out?



If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com