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Friday, 14 August 2015

Canada....

              Today, I leave on the Black Watch from Liverpool to Canada.  Back next month folks!
                                                           Click on above link to view itinerary

Karma Comedian.....

     

I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly, deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... "Can you introduce me to Dave?"


A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. I fondly recollect the first time I took a girl back to my bedroom and removed her bra. She whispered to me: "You've never done this before, have you?" I sez, "How do you know that?" She replied, "The scissors...."


As I was driving home, I spotted a woman on all-fours in the central reservation, eating grass. I was so alarmed, I stopped the car and asked her what was going on? She informed me that she had come through Calais and was seeking asylum in the UK. I said “This is really appalling, get in the car, I’ll take you back to my house.” We’d only driven about 200 yards, when I spied a bloke, on his hands and knees, at the side of the road, eating grass. I sez to the woman, “What’s all this then?” She replied, “This is my husband, he too is seeking asylum, we have no money for food, so we are forced to eat grass.” I immediately stopped the car and told the bloke to get in. After travelling a mere couple of furlongs, I saw four children, on all-fours; they too, were grazing on the roadside. The woman piped up, “These are my children, they too are seeking asylum and are forced to eat grass. I was getting annoyed now and I said to this woman, “How big do you think my lawn is?”


During the Sunday service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. "Brother" he says to the first bloke, "What is your need?" "I need help with my hearing," the fella answers. The preacher sticks his fingers in the man's ears, wiggles them and prays. "How's your hearing now?" he asks. "I don't know" says the geezer, "It's not till next Tuesday..."


These jokes were meant to offend everyone equally. If for some reason you are not offended, please email me with a description of yourself including your name, race, religious views, political party, strong opinions, physical disabilities and anything else that you are touchy about, and I will try to
cover you in a future issue. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com   Or email me at comedianuk@sky.com now, get back to work!

   



Monday, 10 August 2015

The Rare Disease...


           
This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are
bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes
to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that
he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for
several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his
hair fall out permanently. Several months later the guy's eyes are still
bulging and his ears are still protruding, more so now that his hair is
gone. So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has
a liver problems and that they will have to remove part of his liver. So the
guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still
bulging and his ears are still protruding.

Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who
tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his
ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his
hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.

Months later, the man still has the problem. He goes to another specialist
who informs him that the cause is a rare blood disease and that the man only
has a few months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves
that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he goes out
to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However,
when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a
17-inch neck.

"No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck."

"But sir, you have a 17-inch neck."

"Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch
neck."

"Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?"

"What?"

"It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."

                   

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Happy Birthday Song!!

           


AMAZING!! It will play the song the day you were born, try it This one's a fun keeper. It plays the song that was Number One on the day you were born. And, if there is a video available with the artist, it will play it for you. This is really a fun site. Enjoy the show. click on below....go full screen

Monday, 3 August 2015

Fetch The Apostrophe Police!

                           


I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly,deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... "Can you introduce me to Dave?"



A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. I fondly recollect the first time I took a girl back to my bedroom and removed her bra. She whispered to me: "You've never done this before, have you?" I sez, "How do you know that?" She replied, "The scissors...."

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that the human fart can be louder than a glockenspiel? I only discovered this at my daughter's school concert, last week.

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and sez: "Five beers, please."



An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

I sez to the missus, "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of English football?" "It's crap," she replied. "Total rubbish." "More than likely," I agreed, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club. The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai...



During the Sunday service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. "Brother" he says to the first bloke, "What is your need?" "I need help with my hearing," the fella answers. The preacher sticks his fingers in the man's ears, wiggles them and prays. "How's your hearing now?" he asks. "I don't know" says the geezer, "It's not till next Tuesday..."





These jokes were meant to offend everyone equally. If for some reason you
are not offended, please email me with a description of yourself including
your name, race, religious views, political party, strong opinions, physical
disabilities and anything else that you are touchy about, and I will try to
cover you in a future issue. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com

Or email me at comedianuk@sky.com Now,get back to work!