Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com
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I fondly recollect when we took our new-born daughter to our GP for her first check up, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby." Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents." "No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute." "So what do you say to the others?" I asked. "He looks just like you." Came the reply.
While we were there, the good doctor was looking through my records,shaking his head. "What is it doc? Tell me, is it bad ?" "Take That, One Direction, Goombay Dance Band, Earth Wind & Fire, Stylistics, what the hell were you thinking?" I only went to the doctor's to get my prostate examined. Anyway, I got the thumbs up....
Next week is Awareness Awareness Week. If you are unaware of awareness and would like to be more aware of the fact that you are unaware. Awareness awareness week could be for you.
An odd-job man who advertised in the local paper was totally useless. I gave him a list of 8 jobs to do whilst I was out at work. When I came back, he'd only done 1,3,5,and 7.
It's really quite easy to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while, whereas, the other will see you later....
The most difficult aspect of joining an association like Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you DON'T have a problem....
I sez to the missus, "You've been driving the car while I've been away haven't you?" She replied, "Why do you say that?" I sez, "Coz the clutch is knackered." She replied, "Don't blame me, I never use it!"
BREAKING NEWS: Scottish river police have already intercepted 500 English migrants attempting to cross the tempestuous River Tweed, in overloaded and ramshackle craft. Chief Inspector Jock McTartan informed this reporter "This is the beginning of a whole new humanitarian crisis for Scotland, so it is. Who will take care of these pieces of Sassenach flotsam? Who will pay for all the free prescriptions and deep fried Mars Bars? Not us, Jimmy!" The UN are holding an emergency summit in Barbados to discuss how best to handle the immigration crisis. Meanwhile those who survive the perilous crossing are being detained at a tent village just outside Kelso, while their applications for asylum are processed
English language is strange. It may be comprehended through thorough tough thought, though, and dyslexia is the product of a mis-spelt youth, so it is....
A marriage guidance counsellor asked my wife and I to describe our sex life with a film title,
"Gone in sixty seconds, " said the missus sarcastically,"Enter the dragon, " I replied.
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: email@example.com
This bloke went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband : I've lost my wife; she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : What is her height ?
Husband: I never checked.
Inspector : Slim or healthy ?.
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector : Colour of eyes ?
Husband : Never noticed.
Inspector : Colour of hair ?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Inspector : What was she wearing?
Husband : Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector : Was she driving?
Husband : Yes.
Inspector : Tell me the number,name & colour of the car ?
Husband : A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.And it has full LED headlights,which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….and then the husband started crying...
Inspector: Don't get upset sir,... . .We'll find your car.....
The missus came home to find me in the scullery preparing a special candlelit gourmet meal. I was using our best china and had set elaborate place settings for two. "Oh this is a really nice surprise," she whispered. "Too flamin’ right it is," I replied, "I didn't expect you back until Wednesday." Took the wind out of my sails, I can tell you!
I was sauntering down the High Street the other day, when this little kid stopped me outside the newsagents and opined: "Can you go in the shop and buy me some cigarettes please” “Definitely not!” I replied” "Come on...” He said, "They’re not for me, they’re for me dad" "Well, why can't the lazy bar steward come and get them for himself?" I asked. "He's not eighteen until August" he replied. You could have knocked me down with a feather!
BBC News: "Being obese can cut your risk of dementia" Let's rephrase that to: "Fat geezers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept"
On Britain’s Got Talent, a dog act has won it for the last two consecutive years. In order to leap onto this bandwagon, I have taught my dog Alfie to play the trumpet on the London Underground. He went from Barking to Tooting in just under an hour
I've been working on a voluntary basis for The Samaritans but didn't feel like going in yesterday. I phoned in sick and they talked me out of it....
I knocked on my neighbour's door yesterday, and said, "Sorry to be cheeky, but do you mind if I use your bathroom? Mine's out of order at the present time." "Not at all, come on in," he laughed. About twenty minutes later he knocked the door and said, "Excuse me, but are you all right in there?" I shouted, "I'm spot on. But you need to buy more Radox bubble bath, by the way." You don’t ask, you don’t get!
I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden. Now, I'm thinking, "Who the hell is going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
This July, when it's been sunny, I think, 'beer garden.' When it has rained, I usually go to Wetherspoons for a while. In January, when it was snowing, I just liked to sit in front of the telly with a case of beers. I'm beginning to think I have a serious problem with the weather.
The Metropolitan Police were given strict orders from the Chief Constable to clean up the Soho area. That night, a paralytic bloke staggered towards a copper and said, "Excushe me offisher, what time is it?" The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his truncheon. "Jeepers," sez the drunk. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago."
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:firstname.lastname@example.org