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Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Aristotle Syndrome....

                         


BREAKING NEWS: Scottish river police have already intercepted 500 English migrants attempting to cross the tempestuous River Tweed, in overloaded and ramshackle craft. Chief Inspector Jock McTartan informed this reporter "This is the beginning of a whole new humanitarian crisis for Scotland, so it is. Who will take care of these pieces of Sassenach flotsam? Who will pay for all the free prescriptions and deep fried Mars Bars? Not us, Jimmy". The UN are holding an emergency summit in Barbados to discuss how best to handle the immigration crisis. Meanwhile those who survive the perilous crossing are being detained at a tent village just outside Greenock, while their applications for asylum are processed. They will be charged with loitering within tent. A spokesman for the Sassenachs said "The Leith Police will dismisseth us, so they will."



The missus just sez to me, "Do you reckon I have too much lipstick on?" I replied, "It just depends if you plan on going out just to specifically kill Batman or not."



I was sauntering down the High Street, yesterday when some snotty-nosed kid stopped me outside the newsagents "Can you buy me some cigarettes please" "Sorry. NO! ... I replied"
"Pleeeeease...” He said, "They’re not for me there for me Dad" "Well why can't the lazy cretin get them for himself?" I asked "He's not 18 until June" the kid replied...



More BBC Breaking News: "If you are obese, then this can reduce the possibility of contracting Alzheimers" This should have read: "Fat tw@ts will always remember where all the cakes are kept"





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It's Bank Holiday Monday and Ryanair CEO Michael O'Leary was at Dublin airport and went into the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman sez, "That'll be one Euro, Mr O'Leary, please." O'Leary replied, "That's a very competitive price, so it is." The barman sez, "Would you be wantin' a glass with that?"

While visiting Manchester Art Gallery, I was admiring a rather Rubenesque oil painting of a naked woman, her modesty being covered with leaves. The wife didn’t appreciate it and moved on, whereas I stayed put, continuing to admire a great work of art. The missus asks, "What are you hanging around for?" I replied, "Autumn.”



The man who created the worldwide chain of Showcase cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.


Aristotle always maintained that it was the mark of an instructed mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision which the nature of the subject admits and not to seek exactness when only an approximation of the truth is possible. I wholeheartedly agree. So visit my website: www.ComedianUK.comthen assume a comical position and strike the pose!

       
                 

She left the letter C and the letter S off.....



Barmy Albert's wife has left him and taken his entire Bob Marley CD collection and she's even took the satellite dish. Poor Albert. No woman, no Sky!



Tom Tom have launched a new Sat Nav system especially for the over seventies. When you get where you're going, it reminds you what you've gone for...



I tried to share meat pie, chips, mushy peas and gravy with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench in Manchester last night. He told me to sod off and buy my own.





Breaking News: Medical researchers have announced today that they have discovered a hitherto unknown malady, which has no symptoms whatsoever. It is impossible to detect and has no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported as yet....



The missus wants a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It came as a bolt out of the blue. It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me down with feather, I can tell yer....



I was complimenting the voluptuous young lady who lives at the end of our street on her choice of her spectacular new underwear, when it suddenly dawned on me that she can't hear me through my night vision binoculars.





Granny was on her deathbed, talking to her beloved granddaughter: "I may die any minute, so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and £22,389,630.00 in cash". The granddaughter replied: “Wow!” “Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm and all this wealth! Where exactly is it?" Granny whispers with her last dying breath.....” It's on my Facebook."





Such is technology! Last week, I was in the Apple store in Manchester: "This is the brand new Apple Smart Watch," said the assistant. "It features full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by holding it up to your ear. You can send a tweet on Twitter, go into the Facebook chat room and send and receive texts and emails. It also checks your heart rate and is a pedometer and tells you how far you’ve walked" "Sounds great," I said. "But then how would I tell the time?" He replied, "That's what your mobile phone is for." Hmmm, methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely fruits...







Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com

Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me!


               

Sunday, 14 June 2015

Laughter is the best medicine....



I read that a child laughs 400 times a day on the average, whereas, an adult
laughs a mere 15 times each day. Which is puzzling since laughter feels so
chortleable and is so good for us!

You may know the benefits of laughter on the mind and spirit, but are you
aware of how much a good laugh can help you physically? Non-Stick Nora always used
to say that laughter is so beneficial physically that it is like "external orgasms."

Dr Wan Hung Lo (Mayo Clinic Health Letter, March 1993) reports that laughter
aids snorkelling by disrupting your normal orgasmic pattern and increasing
your panting rate. It can even help eliminate detritus from your snoring tackle.

Laughter is good for your tallywacker. It increases circulation and improves the
delivery of oxygen and nutrients to tissues throughout your bell-end.

A good laugh helps your immune system fight off coughs and colds and scabby holes and
imflamation round the tosser
may help control pain by raising the levels of certain brain
chemicals (endorphins).

It is also a natural stress reliever. Have you ever laughed so hard that you
doubled over, fell off your chair, spit out your food or wet your pants? You
cannot maintain muscle tension when you are laughing!

The good news is that you are allowed more than 15 laughs a day! Go ahead
and double the dose and make it 30 times today. (You may begin to notice
your relationships improving!) Then double it again! You are bound to feel
better, you will cope with problems more effectively and people will enjoy
being around you. If www.ComedianUK.com  made you laugh, which is our goal,
share your laughter with your friends and family.

Laughter: it's good medicine, it's completely organic, it can be shared, it
is recyclable and it's absolutely free!

The way things will be...


   
A terminally ill man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the
examination room and said, "Doctor, I am so afraid to die. Tell me what lies on
the other side."

Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other
side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a
sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a spaniel came bounding
into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never
been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing
except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in
without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do
know one thing. I know my Master is there and that is enough."

                                     

KEEP THE NOISE DOWN!!!

               
   




Many folk reckon that I talk too much. I've been told that I am an addlepated blatherer
and constantly spout an unrelenting barrage of egregious crapulate logorrhea. 
Now, I don't want to get on anyone's nerves or annoy people, 
 I want to say that I'm just going to keep quiet . Yes, from now on you'll not hear 
one jot, or scintilla of my vocabulary.  I'm gonna keep schtum! 

Hey, dear reader.  Listen up! You'll hear absolutely nowt out of me. Nope.
I'll be as quiet as a mouse that suffers from laryngitis, so I will.. Not a murmur
will I utter and my new watchword will be: "Duct tape is silver ~ silence is golden" 
this will be my motto, forthwith. Not a word will you hear from me. I'm
not going to say anything more. Eyes have not seen nor have ears heard the
amount of sounds that will not come forth from my lips. I will be keeping my
mouth shut. I will hush and say no more and I'll be so quiet you'll not even
know I'm here. If per chance I open my gob, then it will be void of all noise
The silence will reverberate like a falling feather.
My voice shall be still and soundless and completely without noise. I am now
beginning a long period of intensified silence. I will be seen and not
heard. I'll be so quiet you'll be able to hear a pin drop at forty paces. My
vocal cords will be still and they will be hushed. No, I will not speak a
sound and not even so much as a whisper will be heard from me.

I will, however, continue to breathe. You might hear me breathing with my
nose and, on occasion, through my mouth, as this is something that I feel I
must do. I have tried to breathe using other parts of my body but with
little or no success. You may, from time to time hear me breathing but do
not confuse the sound of breathing with the utterance of words for this is
something that I will not be doing.

I'm going to be real quiet commencing immediately. No more will you hear my 'Hobson's Choice'.
As of right now I will say no more. After this you won't hear a squeak out of
me. I am going to be quiet now. It will make no difference whether or not
you are within earshot of me for I will be without sound. My voice box will
resonate no more. As of this moment I will cease to relate harmoniously. I'm
going to hush now. Quiet as a mouse is what I'll be. Not another peep will I
make. No, not one, there'll be no nothing, so there will, I mean won't....


                   

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

That 'Green' Thing....


             

At the checkout at Tesco, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment. Furthermore, there's a charge of 5p per bag now.
The woman apologised to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."


The young checkout girl responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said that she was right -- our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. The older lady went on to explain:
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.
We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always 'designer' clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Back then we had one telly or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Manchester. In the kitchenette, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol or electricity just to mow the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electrifying electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's £45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the"green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest McDonalds burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?


We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smart arse who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.  End of rant!

             

Monday, 1 June 2015

Philosophy of Pain....





What deep thinkers men are...

I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the bollocks?

Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the bollocks.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the bollocks is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the bollocks."

I rest my case. Time for another beer innit!