Well folks, it’s that time of year again. By the time you read this, I will be in Madeira. Tomorrow, I join the magnificent vessel that is Seabourn Quest. For the rest of the cruising season, I’ll be on board the beautiful Caribbean Princess meandering around the Mediterranean. Nice work, if you can get it! This column will return in the autumn.
I was in the Co-op 'convenience' shop, when this miserable looking harridan was on the check-out. She possessed all the charisma of a bilious badger with blistered bunions. When I came to pay, having only purchased a litre of milk, but having no change. "£1.07 please" "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a twenty quid note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'coz it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.93?" she replied, whilst simultaneously gurning a saturnine grimace. "I've got Zimbabwean dollars, if that helps," I replied. She didn't get the joke, so I thought sod it, I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I politely enquired, "Don't do me no favours, dude" she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.93 please." If looks could kill, etc.....
After being married for 48 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You’re an alphabet wife...
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "What the hell does that mean?"
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
Everything that I do, seems to go awry. I lent a mate of mine £10,000 to have plastic surgery and I don’t know what he looks like now! Then, over the Easter weekend, the mother-in-law came to stay. Now read on: "My mother is still in shock," the missus complained. "The doctors say it could've killed her." "I only did what you asked me to do," I sez, in an effort to defend myself. “You said, 'Take her a cup of tea and two slices of toast with nothing on.”
I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too , but no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: email@example.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the cruise!