A staggering SIX times this month, my blind uncle has fallen out of the tree in his garden. Two or three times, he's fallen off his next-door neighbour's conservatory and twice he's got trapped under a van. Today, he got electrocuted whilst clambering a pylon, and the 40 thousand volts killed him immediately. This has caused me massive problems, with this unfortunate farrago occurring so near to Christmastide. Not only do I have to organise the funeral and wake, I must make every endevour to re-home his Guide Cat.....
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was chock-a block, and as the wife turned to her husband, there was no sign of him. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. So she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was. Quietly he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
Barmy Albert was so bladdered after his works Christmas footing last week. When he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off his shoes, overcoat, shirt, trousers and underwear and as slowly as he could, crept upstairs very quietly, in order not to wake Non-Stick Nora. It was only when he got to the top of the stairs he realised that he was on the bus!
Granny always buys and wraps my Christmas presents many months in advance. Last year she got me a lovely dog skeleton.
Granny called at her local MPs house and knocked on the door and he answered it.
"Can I come in?" She asked, " Have you got a problem?" He replied, "I'm freezing cold, and you are the only person I know who can afford to have their heating on," she said to him.
A pantomime in aid of the charity, "Paranoid Schizophrenics" descended into chaos last night when somebody in the audience shouted out "He's behind you!"...
I’m rubbish at buying Christmas presents for the missus. I never get it right. But this year, I've conquered it. I found her secret wish list hidden in the kitchenette drawer.
Eggs.
Bacon.
Loaf.
Toilet Rolls.
Paracetomol..
At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.
Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my all new festive website! Just click onwww.ComedianUK.com
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