Horrible weather here today. Tempestuous rain and fifty mile an hour gales. The missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After four hours, I felt quite guilty and decided to let her in...
My dyslexic friend has rubbed Cherry Blossom shoe polish all over his tallywacker. I sez, "You stoopid git, your supposed to turn your clock back!"
"Trick or Treat?" sez this teenager at the door. "What have you come as?" I asks. "A Werewolf." came the reply. "But you're just wearing jeans & T-Shirt" I say. "Yeah, but it's not a full moon yet!" came the reply....
A policeman stopped a Scouser as he walked out of Curry's Electrical yesterday. He said, "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" The Scouser sez, "No officer, just Sony and Panasonic."
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Endevouring to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I do?" questions the confused youngster.... "Sure," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean just like my other daddy does?"
Best tip I've ever been given. Don't want to be embarrassed while buying something untoward? Then just buy a birthday card with it! Sorted innit!
By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you. "
No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed.
"No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?"
"No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. "Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me!
According to a recent scientific study, the best way to avoid being killed by a shark is by poking it in the eyes. Not that I class myself as smarter than these scientists, but I think I will stick to my current tactic of living in Glossop.
Something positive comes from summat negative. If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the thought that maybe, just maybe - a large family of mice has now acquired a giant flat-screen TV.
If I could offer you some bona-fide advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then that’s the end of skydiving! Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
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