Hallowe'en Speshul!

I love Halloween. The cobwebs in my house look like decorations! I hear that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t like Halloween at all. They can’t stand people coming knocking on their door and mithering them!

I always greet every stranger I meet with ‘Happy Birthday!’ I do get an awful lot of blank stares. But it's well worth it for the occasional, "How the flamin’ hell did you know?" I’ve also been wishing folk ‘Merry Christmas!’ Mark my words, in a couple of months, everyone will be saying it...

Granny was on her deathbed, talking to her beloved granddaughter: "I may die any minute, so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and £22,389,630.00 in cash". The granddaughter replied: “Wow!” “Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm and all this wealth! Where exactly is it?" Granny whispers with her last dying breath..... It's on my Facebook."

I was in Wetherspoons and asked the barman, “Do you do cash back?” He replied, “Yes, we do, mate.” I sez, “Well give me back the thirty quid I spent in here today, the wife’s gonna kill me when she finds out!”

I saw this homeless guy lying on the pavement outside the train station, and said, "Would you like me to give you an air mattress?" "Yes, please", he smiled. "Here you go", I said, "and you can have this air guitar as well." Is there no beginning to my generosity?

Here is summat that you didn’t know about yours truly. I'm passionate about conserving endangered animals. You should taste my panda jam. It’s delicious!

A Yorkshire man and a Scouser go into Greggs. The Scouser nicks three pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Yorkshire bloke, "Did you see that? Nobody even saw me!" The Yorkshire fella sez, "That's nowt mate, just watch this." So the Yorkshire man goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gi'us three pies, and I'll show thee some magic." whereupon he eats all three, as bold as brass, right in front of the manager. The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?" The Yorkshire man says, "Go and check that Scouser's pocket."

Yesterday, I was walking up Scropton Street, with the missus (or Jurassic Park in Knickers, as I lovingly refer to her.) when a hearse drove past, "That will be you one day, in one of those" she snickered. "Yes, and I hope I'm driving with you in the back," I replied. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy?

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose! All the cool kids are at it!