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Sunday, 27 October 2013

Hallowe'en Speshul!



I love Halloween. The cobwebs in my house look like decorations! I hear that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t like Halloween at all. They can’t stand people coming knocking on their door and mithering them!

I always greet every stranger I meet with ‘Happy Birthday!’ I do get an awful lot of blank stares. But it's well worth it for the occasional, "How the flamin’ hell did you know?" I’ve also been wishing folk ‘Merry Christmas!’ Mark my words, in a couple of months, everyone will be saying it...

Granny was on her deathbed, talking to her beloved granddaughter: "I may die any minute, so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and £22,389,630.00 in cash". The granddaughter replied: “Wow!” “Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm and all this wealth! Where exactly is it?" Granny whispers with her last dying breath..... It's on my Facebook."

I was in Wetherspoons and asked the barman, “Do you do cash back?” He replied, “Yes, we do, mate.” I sez, “Well give me back the thirty quid I spent in here today, the wife’s gonna kill me when she finds out!”

I saw this homeless guy lying on the pavement outside the train station, and said, "Would you like me to give you an air mattress?" "Yes, please", he smiled. "Here you go", I said, "and you can have this air guitar as well." Is there no beginning to my generosity?

Here is summat that you didn’t know about yours truly. I'm passionate about conserving endangered animals. You should taste my panda jam. It’s delicious!

A Yorkshire man and a Scouser go into Greggs. The Scouser nicks three pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Yorkshire bloke, "Did you see that? Nobody even saw me!" The Yorkshire fella sez, "That's nowt mate, just watch this." So the Yorkshire man goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gi'us three pies, and I'll show thee some magic." whereupon he eats all three, as bold as brass, right in front of the manager. The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?" The Yorkshire man says, "Go and check that Scouser's pocket."

Yesterday, I was walking up Scropton Street, with the missus (or Jurassic Park in Knickers, as I lovingly refer to her.) when a hearse drove past, "That will be you one day, in one of those" she snickered. "Yes, and I hope I'm driving with you in the back," I replied. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy?

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose! All the cool kids are at it!




Friday, 25 October 2013

Classified Ads....








The Thinker....




What profound thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

The missus (or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) passed by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer...


Tuesday, 22 October 2013

The Door....

                                                                Height is important....


Have you ever walked into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses. Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an ‘Event Boundary’ in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale. Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that flamin’ door! Did I tell you about this already?

I was sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday morning and spotted this bloke who was on crutches and wearing a camouflage jacket. I said to him, “You can hide, but you can’t run!”

I entered my local paper's pun contest... I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Sir Alex Ferguson has been honoured by having a road named after him outside Old Trafford.
Away fans are advised when driving down Sir Alex Ferguson Way, to add an extra nine minutes to their journey.


After being interviewed by the school administration committee, the prospective teacher said: "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behaviour, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages and instil in them a love for learning. You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a chequebook, and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behaviour, and ensure that they all pass their final exams. You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for butter tokens. You want me to do all this, and then you tell me...... I CAN'T PRAY! or wear a little cross or say "Happy Christmas" because someone might take offence? "

Cilla Black & Carol Decker are opening a tool shop together. It's going to be called Cilla & Carol's tool shop.


Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung! Top of Form





Wednesday, 16 October 2013

The Disease...


While in China , a British bloke is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the UK, he wakes one morning to find his tallywacker covered with bright green and magenta spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a quack. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The fella returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian Venereal Disease. (MVD)

It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the UK , we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me an injection or summat and fix me up, Doc ."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your tallywacker."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My British doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Blitish docttah, always want oppawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. it faw off by itself!


Sunday, 13 October 2013

Non-Stick Nora & Barmy Albert Strike Again!



It's been reported that Hollywood producers are keen to start filming Back to the Future 4. I saw all the ‘Back to the Future’ movies, but not once did I see anyone walking along texting on their mobile phone. The missus and I once watched them all back to back. Hopefully next time we'll be facing the TV.


Non-Stick Nora didn’t like flying, so when going away on holiday, she went everywhere by boat. Unfortunately, last time she was on a boat, it sank. A plane hit it!


I Saw a Miley Cyrus tribute act last night at the local Twerking Mens Club. We live in strange times. Apparently, Twerking and Selfie have been added to the dictionary, whereas, Future and Optimism have been removed.

Breaking News: Nick in Corrie has got his memory back and has remembered that he never went to Drama and Acting school !!! Just his ears are an act on their own. They make Prince Charles look like a recluse!


Yesterday, I saw an Automobile Association van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, ‘That guy is heading for a breakdown’.


Councils say they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines. If they halve the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million.


I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said, "Get that trolley over here love. They're doing two cases of Stella Artois, for the price of one!"


I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert on the High Street. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened?" He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout, I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her bottom, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in."


Next time you are going away on a holiday, just for a laugh, send a postcard home to yourself saying the following: ‘Weather is roasting hot, sun is cracking the flags. The hotel is absolutely superb and the food is brilliant. We are having tons of fun! .... P.S. Are you still planning to murder your postman?"


This weekly humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting. Imflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

Thursday, 3 October 2013

The Rant...




When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were, when they were growing up.What with walking ten miles to school every morning. Uphill and barefoot... BOTH ways. Yawn! How could it be uphill both ways?

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of 50, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a land of milk and honey! And I hate to say it, but you young 'uns today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the interweb. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the bleedin' local library and look it up ourselves, in the index card box!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the post box and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 5 pence apeice!

Social Services didn't give a rats hoo-haa if our parents gave us an 'ear warmer'. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick the shit out of us! Nowhere was safe!

There were none of them there iPods, iPhones, iTunes gubbins If you wanted to steal music, you had to schlep down to the record shop and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and that Tony Blackburn would usually talk over the beginning and ruin it with one of his bobbins jokes! There were no CD players or iPods! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would unravel. Because - that's how we rolled. Geddit?

We didn't have fancy technology like call waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got an engaged tone and that was that!

And we didn't have the luxury of Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a bailiff, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, dude! That's if you had a phone! WE had to use semaphore!

We didn't have any state-of-the-art Sony Playstation or X-Box 360 video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little magazine called a TV Times to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! What with TWO flamin' channels! You had to get off your arse and walk over to the TV to change the channel! It was BBC or ITV. AND NO REMOTE CONTROL!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you SPOILT LITTLE RAT BASTARDS!!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat summat up we had to use the stove! Imagine that! NO DINGBOX!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You little arseholes wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!

End of rant!