Strictly Come Dancing makes a welcome return! My problem is that I have two left feet and cannot dance to save my life. But as soon as I step in dog shit, I can Moonwalk betterer than Michael Jackson...
I was in a club with my pal Don last night, and we both spotted a gang of birds sat on the bar stools. As quick as a flash, we both started dancing right next to them. When about 15 minutes had elapsed, I wiped the perspiration from my brow and sez, "Don, I don't think this is working very well." "I don't either," he breathlessly replied, "Maybe we could do with some music."
I'm thinking of taking an Astrology course at the local college, so I have applied for a Russell Grant.
She wanted a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It came like a bolt out of the blue, you could have knocked me down with a feather, took the wind right out of my sails, I can tell yer...
A) Free Lidl coupons in the Sun newspaper.
They reckon that all Rolf Harris's victims are Manchester City Supporters. You hear nowt from them for over 40 years, then they all pipe up at once! What with 'Two Little Boys' and 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down' We should have known there was summat wrong there!
BREAKING NEWS: Obama respects Cameron's decision. So it's Assad day for Syria.
Nick Clegg thinks Damascus kills 99% of all household germs.
I always have sexdaily! Sorry. I mean dyslexia.
A Brief History of Time:
1813 Women have no rights.
1913 Women fight for some rights.
2013 Women are always f***ing right.
"You haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?" This always seems like a weird way for the missus to start a conversation with me.
I couldn't believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my six-year old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when I'm picking him up from school.
I tried washing my clothes at 30 degrees, but the washing machine just fell over!
Have you ever had an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whizz around in circles but you were concerned that you’d get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven’t we all? Why doncha visit my website? www.Comedian.ws and peruse my all new Jokey-Blog. You know it’s the right thing to do. All the cool kidz are at it!