Manchester Gubbins....

Flew from Tallinn to Helsinki, then onto Manchester (T1) and the luggage never arrived. Had to fill out a form, it took absolutely ages. Where it had 'comments' at the bottom, I wrote ' My suitcase just vanished into Finnair'.

I whistled at them, they didn't come , I threw them a stick, they ignored it , I shouted 'roll over', 'din-dins' 'heel'. Nothing. I told them to sit up and beg , no response was the answer. As far as I'm concerned all that means is that I can definitely get another day out of these boxer shorts....

I was at the Manchester Art Gallery with my crazeridden neighbour Barmy Albert and we saw a portrait of a geezer who had fuzzy hair and bore the legend 'Garfunkel' on a brass plate underneath. Barmy Albert said, "It's okay, but is it Art?"

This morning, I contacted the Manchester Royal Infirmary to let them know that if my wife's condition should deteriorate, I give my permission for them to switch off the life support machine. They curtly informed me that it ain't an option for a sprained ankle....


This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.  He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.  "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.  And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and  get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."  She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice on the radio....  "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ...."

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.  But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."  "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

The missus went out on her mate's hen party last night. There were strippers, huge amounts of alcohol and plenty of sex going on.  Now it's time to tidy this place up, she'll be home soon.

I met a fella call Bob last night in the pub.  "So tell me, what's Bob short for?" I sez.

"It's short for Robert" he replied.  "No mate," I said," I meant are you a dwarf or summat?"

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com