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Tuesday, 24 December 2013

Have a Cool Yule, Dude!





'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...
I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

When I was a kid, we were so poor, me mam used to sit up all Christmas Eve, stitching a turkeys head on a kipper...

A travel agent looked up from his desk on Christmas Eve and saw an older lady and an older gentleman peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.  He called them into his shop.  "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday,  so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off!
About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency.
"And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I’ve come to thank you.
But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old bloke I had to share the room with?"

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

It was many years since the embarrassing day when a young woman with a baby in her arms entered the butcher’s shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and what was he going to do about it?

After some denials and argument, he capitulated and promised to provide her with free meat until the boy turned 16 she greed.

He ticked the years off on his calendar until one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know” said the butcher, “I’ve been counting too."

And tell your mother when you get home that this is the last free meat she will get, then watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home and told his mother she nodded and said,

“Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk and free groceries for the past 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”

At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will en
able him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.








             The turkey's well chilled bro!

Sunday, 15 December 2013

Merry Christmas Gubbins!






A staggering SIX times this month, my blind uncle has fallen out of the tree in his garden. Two or three times, he's fallen off his next-door neighbour's conservatory and twice he's got trapped under a van. Today, he got electrocuted whilst clambering a pylon, and the 40 thousand volts killed him immediately. This has caused me massive problems, with this unfortunate farrago occurring so near to Christmastide.  Not only do I have to organise the funeral and wake, I must make every endevour to re-home his Guide Cat.....

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was chock-a block, and as the wife turned to her husband, there was no sign of him. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. So she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was. Quietly he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." "Well, I'm in the pub next door."


Barmy Albert was so bladdered after his works Christmas footing last week. When he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off his shoes, overcoat, shirt, trousers and underwear and as slowly as he could, crept upstairs very quietly, in order not to wake Non-Stick Nora. It was only when he got to the top of the stairs he realised that he was on the bus!

Granny always buys and wraps my Christmas presents many months in advance. Last year she got me a lovely dog skeleton.

Granny called at her local MPs house and knocked on the door and he answered it.
"Can I come in?" She asked, " Have you got a problem?" He replied, "I'm freezing cold, and you are the only person I know who can afford to have their heating on," she said to him.

A pantomime in aid of the charity, "Paranoid Schizophrenics" descended into chaos last night when somebody in the audience shouted out "He's behind you!"...

I’m rubbish at buying Christmas presents for the missus. I never get it right. But this year, I've conquered it. I found her secret wish list hidden in the kitchenette drawer.
Eggs.
Bacon.
Loaf.
Toilet Rolls.
Paracetomol..


At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.

Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my all new festive website! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com







Manchester United Latest! #MUFC



I bought the missus a Man Utd bra for her birthday. She hates it! She says the support is bobbins, plus it wont be long till the tits are out of both cups!!





Michael J Fox's coffee stays in the cup longer than Manchester United

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

The Whales...



Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.   Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance.. He recognizes it as  the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!" That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!" 

Monday, 9 December 2013

Mary Hinge...



Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to WICKES DIY and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom Tap.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that Bath Tap?" The manager replied, "That's a gold plated Bath Tap and the price is £450.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive Tap. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Madam, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the Bath Tap."

This is why you can't send women to WICKES.

Man Utd Betting Scandal!




David Moyes is planting carrots and spuds around the perimeter of the pitch at Old Trafford, so he'll have summat to pick up at the end of the season...

BREAKING NEWS:  Greater Manchester Police are investigating a new football betting scandal.  Someone has put a £10 on a Man Utd win next weekend!

This woman walks into a bakery, looks at the festive products on the shelves, points and says, “How much is that Christmas cake?”  “It’s five quid, madam.” came the reply. She points at another, “How much is that one?”  “Five pounds.” says the owner. “What about the one over there.” asks the lady? “They are all a fiver.” says the proprietor again. “What about that one over there?”  “ It’s a tenner.” he replies. “Why does that one cost more?”  The customer asked. “Because that’s Madeira cake!”  Geddit!

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.  Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."   The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.  "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."   The meeting suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.  After a few moments a bloke, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.  "Yes?" said the Instructor.  "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?  This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.





For Sale: Red and White Manchester United lamp. Looks really good in the middle of table. Oh folly folly! I don’t know which will come first. Man Utd’s end of season dinner or Moyes’s leaving do! Got a Manchester United sledge for Christmas. I’ve never gone downhill so fast!

Ebay is not that simple. I’ve been looking for a cigarette lighter for a Christmas present for Non-Stick Nora and have found over 18,000 matches! Moreover, I went to W.H. Smith and got a book of 1000 raffle tickets for £2.50 which is a bargain because they are normally £1 a strip.

All these preparations for Yuletide are tiring me out! I’m absolutely shattered with all the running around. Sometimes, I wish that baby Jesus was born at a less busy time of the year.

Just looking at the nativity scene at my local church and I can't help thinking how it reminds me of the Jeremy Kyle Show. You have a mother with a baby, loads of hangers on and some wretched bloke who maintains that he isn't the father!

A donkey and a chicken became very good friends.  One day the donkey fell into a muddy pond and got stuck. He cried for help E-AW! E-AW! E-AW!   When the chicken heard his cries she came to his aid, and dashed back to the farm for help, but there was no one there - no farmer and no tractor. The only thing was a BMW car, so the chicken jumped in and switched on the engine and drove back to the pond, tied a rope to the bumper and threw it to the donkey, and pulls him out .. HOORAY!  Now shortly after this the chicken falls into the pond and gets stuck. The donkey comes to the rescue and straddles the pond and says to the chicken "Catch hold of my dick with your beak and I'll pull you out" HOORAY, the chicken is saved!!!   The moral of this story is - if your dick is big enough you don't need a BMW to pull a chick!

Benjamin Button
Benjamin who?
Benjamin
Who's there?
Knock knock

With Christmastide on the horizon, I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchenette cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ in September 2008. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com.   Now, get back to gift-wrapping  them prezzies!




Friday, 29 November 2013

Nigella Rules....




Christmas Cooking Tip: To get the best results and most perfect icing on your Christmas cake, ask Nigella to sneeze on it...

Talk about fickle! Sometimes, she'll wear my PJ's in bed. If it's freezing like last night, she'll put my jacket round her shoulders. She will even wear my socks. But when I wear her bra & kecks just one f***ing time, I have 'Underlying Issues' and I need 'Cognitive Behavioral Therapy'. ffs!

My local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a punter. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried, over time: Weightlifters, Dockers, etc., but nobody could do it. Then one day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little bloke. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence, as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The little geezer quietly replied: "No, I work for the Inland Revenue."

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that if you say the word ‘Gullible’ very slowly, it sounds like ‘Oranges.’ Incredible!

I have downloaded Fleetwood Mac voice onto my SatNav. It keeps saying, "You Can Go Your Own Way" wherever I am. So I'm constantly lost!

I’ve decided to take up a hobby, in order to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day. Barmy Albert has strongly recommended Archery. I walked up to the desk in the leisure centre and asked where to go for the 'Archery for Beginners' class. "Just follow the arrows on the floor." he told me. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!


Cockney folk take note! Regarding ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’. Since time immemorial we northerners have been alarmed to witness your haranguing of an elderly woman. Not only do you insist that the hapless matriarch is obliged to position herself beneath fixtures and fittings, but you also see fit to threaten her with below hip amputation should she have to stoop to do so. Your unfeasible request is surely nigh on impossible to be acceded to whilst sustaining rigidity. Failure to address these shortcomings will result in my obligation to report you to Social Services for abuse.

In life, there are only two things to worry about: whether you are in fine fettle or whether you are poorly sick. If you're fit, fine wonderful & well, then there's nowt to worry about. If your back legs have gone, there are only two things to worry about: whether you will get betterer or whether you'll turn your toes up. If you get betterer, there's nowt whatsoever to worry about. If you're going to snuff it, you have only two things to worry about: whether you go to heaven or whether you go to hell. If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about. If you arrive in hell, you'll meet so many of your friends there, you'll feel very much at home, So why worry? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and strike the pose!





Monday, 18 November 2013

No Movember!



Last week, shortly after my British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain came over the tannoy and announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, from Manchester to London, Heathrow. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........Oh my God!" Silence then ensued. A few minutes later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!" From the back of the plane, I shouted, “You should see the back of mine!” Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

I sez to the missus, (I call her ‘Babe’- you’ve seen the film) over dinner last night, "Have I told you that you look absolutely divine today?" " No you haven't" she said with a bashful smile. "Well, there's a reason for that," I replied....

Since time immemorial, most people have been searching for an answer to something. The meaning of life, true love, or their place in the world. Or deeper issues like, how do you get a Reliant Robin on a ramp or where are the next generation of seedless grapes gonna come from? Me? I'm still trying to find Wally!

A chauffeur driven Rolls-Royce Silver Phantom pulled up outside my door yesterday. This guy in a tuxedo, brandishing a crystal glass of champagne alighted from the back of the car and calmly meandered down the drive. I rushed out of the house and shouted, “Oooooh! Have I won the Euro millions?” “No” he sniffed. “I’ve come to read your gas meter!”

Barmy Albert was lying in his new girlfriend's bed, when he suddenly noticed four lines carved into the headboard. "Is that how many men you've slept with? he asked. "Yes", she replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven." Oh dear. Hat and coat time already!


In church, I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you: "Dear Lord, This has been a tough two or three years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze. My favourite musician Michael Jackson.
My favourite blues singer Amy Winehouse. My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.
I want you to know that my favourite politicians are: David Cameron, Nick Clegg and George Osborne”.


Last November, everyone grew a moustache and it was called Movember. I'm not bothering with all that rubbish this year, so I'm calling it NoMovember, or November for short...


Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!



Monday, 11 November 2013

Hallelujah!



This is a true story, told to me by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test. This particular English bloke lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was really bladdered! The gendarme signals for him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English bloke replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.' 'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a Corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.' 'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate Dave downed a bottle of Johnny Walker's black label.' Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'? The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'And do you understand that I'm English, same as my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the steering wheel?'

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine fella, who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve. Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Nora arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was in the oven, and the table set. She was flabbergasted! It turns out that Albert had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to make love'. The night went very well. The next day, Nora told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Albert even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterwards?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that........... Albert was too tired.'

I was in a mobile phone shop: "This is a high-end Smart Watch," said the assistant. "It features full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by holding it up to your ear." "Sounds great," I said. "But then how would I tell the time?"
He said, "That's what your mobile phone is for." Hmmm, methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely fruits...

I knocked on my neighbour's door yesterday, and said, "Sorry to be cheeky, but do you mind if I use your bathroom? Mine's out of order at the present time." "Not at all, come on in," he laughed. About twenty minutes later he knocked the door and said, "Excuse me, but are you all right in there?" I shouted, "I'm spot on. You need to buy more Radox bubble bath, by the way."

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com



Sunday, 3 November 2013

Tightly packed isobars...


BBC WEATHER WARNING! "With force 8 gales battering the United Kingdom, be prepared for objects coming off the line, such as items of clothing or Joe Hart."

Horrible weather here today. Tempestuous rain and fifty mile an hour gales. The missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After four hours, I felt quite guilty and decided to let her in...


My dyslexic friend has rubbed Cherry Blossom shoe polish all over his tallywacker. I sez, "You stoopid git, your supposed to turn your clock back!"

"Trick or Treat?" sez this teenager at the door. "What have you come as?" I asks. "A Werewolf." came the reply. "But you're just wearing jeans & T-Shirt" I say. "Yeah, but it's not a full moon yet!" came the reply....

A policeman stopped a Scouser as he walked out of Curry's Electrical yesterday. He said, "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?" The Scouser sez, "No officer, just Sony and Panasonic."


BREAKING NEWS: Hollywood are doing a remake of The Exorcist. In this version, a woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son...

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Endevouring to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I do?" questions the confused youngster.... "Sure," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean just like my other daddy does?"

Best tip I've ever been given. Don't want to be embarrassed while buying something untoward? Then just buy a birthday card with it! Sorted innit!

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor.   "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you. "

No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed.

"No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?"

"No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. "Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me!

According to a recent scientific study, the best way to avoid being killed by a shark is by poking it in the eyes. Not that I class myself as smarter than these scientists, but I think I will stick to my current tactic of living in Glossop.

Something positive comes from summat negative. If you've ever lost your iPhone, take solace in the thought that maybe, just maybe - a large family of mice has now acquired a giant flat-screen TV.

If I could offer you some bona-fide advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then that’s the end of skydiving! Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

Sunday, 27 October 2013

Hallowe'en Speshul!



I love Halloween. The cobwebs in my house look like decorations! I hear that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t like Halloween at all. They can’t stand people coming knocking on their door and mithering them!

I always greet every stranger I meet with ‘Happy Birthday!’ I do get an awful lot of blank stares. But it's well worth it for the occasional, "How the flamin’ hell did you know?" I’ve also been wishing folk ‘Merry Christmas!’ Mark my words, in a couple of months, everyone will be saying it...

Granny was on her deathbed, talking to her beloved granddaughter: "I may die any minute, so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and £22,389,630.00 in cash". The granddaughter replied: “Wow!” “Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm and all this wealth! Where exactly is it?" Granny whispers with her last dying breath..... It's on my Facebook."

I was in Wetherspoons and asked the barman, “Do you do cash back?” He replied, “Yes, we do, mate.” I sez, “Well give me back the thirty quid I spent in here today, the wife’s gonna kill me when she finds out!”

I saw this homeless guy lying on the pavement outside the train station, and said, "Would you like me to give you an air mattress?" "Yes, please", he smiled. "Here you go", I said, "and you can have this air guitar as well." Is there no beginning to my generosity?

Here is summat that you didn’t know about yours truly. I'm passionate about conserving endangered animals. You should taste my panda jam. It’s delicious!

A Yorkshire man and a Scouser go into Greggs. The Scouser nicks three pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Yorkshire bloke, "Did you see that? Nobody even saw me!" The Yorkshire fella sez, "That's nowt mate, just watch this." So the Yorkshire man goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gi'us three pies, and I'll show thee some magic." whereupon he eats all three, as bold as brass, right in front of the manager. The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?" The Yorkshire man says, "Go and check that Scouser's pocket."

Yesterday, I was walking up Scropton Street, with the missus (or Jurassic Park in Knickers, as I lovingly refer to her.) when a hearse drove past, "That will be you one day, in one of those" she snickered. "Yes, and I hope I'm driving with you in the back," I replied. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy?

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose! All the cool kids are at it!




Friday, 25 October 2013

Classified Ads....








The Thinker....




What profound thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

The missus (or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) passed by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer...


Tuesday, 22 October 2013

The Door....

                                                                Height is important....


Have you ever walked into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses. Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an ‘Event Boundary’ in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale. Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that flamin’ door! Did I tell you about this already?

I was sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday morning and spotted this bloke who was on crutches and wearing a camouflage jacket. I said to him, “You can hide, but you can’t run!”

I entered my local paper's pun contest... I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Sir Alex Ferguson has been honoured by having a road named after him outside Old Trafford.
Away fans are advised when driving down Sir Alex Ferguson Way, to add an extra nine minutes to their journey.


After being interviewed by the school administration committee, the prospective teacher said: "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behaviour, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages and instil in them a love for learning. You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a chequebook, and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behaviour, and ensure that they all pass their final exams. You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for butter tokens. You want me to do all this, and then you tell me...... I CAN'T PRAY! or wear a little cross or say "Happy Christmas" because someone might take offence? "

Cilla Black & Carol Decker are opening a tool shop together. It's going to be called Cilla & Carol's tool shop.


Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung! Top of Form





Wednesday, 16 October 2013

The Disease...


While in China , a British bloke is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the UK, he wakes one morning to find his tallywacker covered with bright green and magenta spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a quack. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The fella returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian Venereal Disease. (MVD)

It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the UK , we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me an injection or summat and fix me up, Doc ."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your tallywacker."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My British doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Blitish docttah, always want oppawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. it faw off by itself!


Sunday, 13 October 2013

Non-Stick Nora & Barmy Albert Strike Again!



It's been reported that Hollywood producers are keen to start filming Back to the Future 4. I saw all the ‘Back to the Future’ movies, but not once did I see anyone walking along texting on their mobile phone. The missus and I once watched them all back to back. Hopefully next time we'll be facing the TV.


Non-Stick Nora didn’t like flying, so when going away on holiday, she went everywhere by boat. Unfortunately, last time she was on a boat, it sank. A plane hit it!


I Saw a Miley Cyrus tribute act last night at the local Twerking Mens Club. We live in strange times. Apparently, Twerking and Selfie have been added to the dictionary, whereas, Future and Optimism have been removed.

Breaking News: Nick in Corrie has got his memory back and has remembered that he never went to Drama and Acting school !!! Just his ears are an act on their own. They make Prince Charles look like a recluse!


Yesterday, I saw an Automobile Association van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, ‘That guy is heading for a breakdown’.


Councils say they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines. If they halve the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million.


I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said, "Get that trolley over here love. They're doing two cases of Stella Artois, for the price of one!"


I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert on the High Street. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened?" He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout, I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her bottom, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in."


Next time you are going away on a holiday, just for a laugh, send a postcard home to yourself saying the following: ‘Weather is roasting hot, sun is cracking the flags. The hotel is absolutely superb and the food is brilliant. We are having tons of fun! .... P.S. Are you still planning to murder your postman?"


This weekly humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting. Imflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

Thursday, 3 October 2013

The Rant...




When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were, when they were growing up.What with walking ten miles to school every morning. Uphill and barefoot... BOTH ways. Yawn! How could it be uphill both ways?

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of 50, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a land of milk and honey! And I hate to say it, but you young 'uns today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the interweb. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the bleedin' local library and look it up ourselves, in the index card box!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the post box and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 5 pence apeice!

Social Services didn't give a rats hoo-haa if our parents gave us an 'ear warmer'. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick the shit out of us! Nowhere was safe!

There were none of them there iPods, iPhones, iTunes gubbins If you wanted to steal music, you had to schlep down to the record shop and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and that Tony Blackburn would usually talk over the beginning and ruin it with one of his bobbins jokes! There were no CD players or iPods! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would unravel. Because - that's how we rolled. Geddit?

We didn't have fancy technology like call waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got an engaged tone and that was that!

And we didn't have the luxury of Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mum, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a bailiff, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, dude! That's if you had a phone! WE had to use semaphore!

We didn't have any state-of-the-art Sony Playstation or X-Box 360 video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little magazine called a TV Times to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! What with TWO flamin' channels! You had to get off your arse and walk over to the TV to change the channel! It was BBC or ITV. AND NO REMOTE CONTROL!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you SPOILT LITTLE RAT BASTARDS!!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat summat up we had to use the stove! Imagine that! NO DINGBOX!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You little arseholes wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or before!

End of rant!

Saturday, 28 September 2013

The Wanderer Returns!




I’m back! Now what are your other two wishes? I must say that I’ve had a fantastic summer, cruising both the Mediterranean and the Baltics on two magnificent vessels, namely the Carnival Sunshine and Carnival Legend. The service on these luxury liners is second to none. I got up at 4 am in the morning to go to the loo, and when I came back, the bed was made and there was a chocolate on the pillow!


The missus sez I'm very immature and that I have a childlike mentality and that we need to set some time aside to discuss this problem. As if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!

Yesterday, I told the window cleaner, in no uncertain terms, "I've confiscated your ladders, if I catch you looking at the missus through the bedroom window again, further steps will be taken."

A pal of mine died last week. He was a taxi driver. At the funeral, the hearse turned up 20 minutes late, went to the wrong house, then went to the the wrong crematorium. It's what he would have wanted....

I used to go out with a clairvoyant a few years ago. She was absolutely gorgeous. But she finished with me before I met her....

At the end of Hollyoaks last night it said, "If you have been affected by any issues raised in this programme then ring this helpline". So I phoned the number and told them; "I can't act either"...

Q) What's the difference between Prince Andrew and Manchester United?

A) Prince Andrew has never regretted getting rid of Fergie!



The missus phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:
Her: "You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?"
Me: "What about it?"
Her: "Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds."
Me: "Right, I've done that"
Her: "Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!"
Me: "I can see that, yeah."
Her: "Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!"
Me: Okay, I see them."
Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear."
Me: "Yes! I can see him!"
Her: Can you see his feet?
Me: Yes, I can!
Her: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!"

The phone rang while I was having dinner. Answered it and woman launches into her script regarding PPI insurance. I start heavy breathing and then say, "What are you wearing?" Then hear 'click' and dialling tone. RESULT!! Next please!

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com



Friday, 27 September 2013

Resetting The Password



  
THEM; Sorry  that password has expired - you must register a new one.

US: Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?

THEM; No, but your password has expired - you must get a new one.

US; Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?

THEM; Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

US: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

THEM; No, you must get a new one.

US: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

THEM; Sorry, you must get a new one.

US: OK, roses.

THEM; Sorry you must use more letters.

US: Okay, pretty roses...


THEM; No good, you must use at least one numerical character.

US: OK, 1 pretty rose

THEM; Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.

US: OK, 1prettyrose

THEM; Sorry, you must use additional characters.

US: OK, 1fuckingprettyrose

THEM; Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.

US: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose
         THEM; Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

US: OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose


THEM; Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.


US: OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow

THEM; Sorry, that password is currently being used.




Friday, 6 September 2013

Ponderisms....






Can I buy a bumper sticker that says, "Honk if you love peace and quiet."

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. [Nice one!!]

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like ................. night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.