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Friday, 30 November 2012

The importance of accuracy in your tax return....







This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Glossop, Derbyshire after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question, Do you have anyone dependant on you?
The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission"

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was "Who did I miss out?".

Fighter Pilots Comment....




During a commercial airline flight an experienced Navy Fighter Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."




This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!

Actual crack in a window frame! Fliers beware of the sub-standard maintenance on the airplanes that you travel in. This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a 737.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Seven Advantages of Mothers Milk....





The truth of the matter.....

Students in an advanced Biology class at the University of Manchester were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A






Monday, 26 November 2012

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS ....




1. A man comes into the A & E and yells. . .
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began
to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco


2.... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the
patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA

3.. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was
a tattoo that read . .. .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . .. . . . . . . . . . . THE FUNNIEST?


Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!



A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'




Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Rugby Player Joke....



A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player.

They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."





Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!


It will say ADIDAS in a minute."






Monday, 19 November 2012

What is going on?






Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that the Russians or the Chinese are up to summat? Perchance, it might be linked to nuclear waste being accumulated in Korea, or those awful oil fires in Iraq? Either way, David Cameron should grasp the nettle and act quickly to resolve this unfortunate farrago. Come on Prime Minister, send Nick Clegg round with a rake!

A man is making love to his wife. He asks her "Can you moan a bit to get me more excited?" She says "the taps dripping, you ain't put the bins out, I need more housekeeping money, the mortgage is overdue and your breath stinks summat putrid."

Upon deciding to go to a really trendy nightclub in Manchester last weekend, the doorman gazed at me and declared, "Sorry mate, but I think you've had a few too many." "Drinks?” I asked. He replied, "No, I meant birthdays."


My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face. My sister went fucking mental when she looked in his pram.


I'm not saying the missus has put on a lot of weight, but I've had to put an energy-saving light bulb in the fridge!  She sez she's going to go on a diet, because her hand won't fit in the Pringles tub anymore.  You could'nt make it up.  Could you?


I saw my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert walking down the High Street the other day, I said, "Alright chum?" He replied, "Don't, call me that, it sounds like dog food!!"
I said, "Sorry pal"


Woman on Dragons' Den sez, "I've got a wand shaped device which makes men disappear and I want £50,000 for a 50% share"    Peter Jones; "Can I have a shufty?".  Peter studies it for a moment or two, then replies, "What you have there is a home pregnancy testing kit with a blue indicator."


A little guy is sat at the bar, when all of a sudden a geezer smacks him in the face and says "that's Kung Fu from Japan". A bit later the guy smacks him again and says "that's Karate from Korea". The little guy gets up and leaves the bar. A short time later he comes back and smacks the fella knocking him out cold and says to the barman, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a f***ing shovel from B&Q".

I was down the pub with my mate "She's been cheating on me" said Dave "We've all been there mate" I replied  "What your missus has cheated on you too?" He asked,  " No mate"I laughed "I meant we've all shagged your missus...

Jim, Dave and Eric died and arrived at the gate, St Paul explains to them: 'Heaven is a very big place and you need a car to get around. The car you get depends solely on how faithful you were to your spouse while you were alive'. Jim was married for 15 years and cheated on his wife 3 times so he got a Citi Golf 1.4. Dave was married 20 years and cheated on his wife once so he got a Toyota Camry 2.4 VVTi. Eric was married for 50 years and never cheated on his wife so he got a BMW 745i. Jim and Dave were very envious of Eric! A couple of months later Jim and Dave see Eric sitting on the pavement crying...
Dave asks: 'What's wrong buddy?'
Eric replies: 'I just saw my wife'
Jim asks: 'So why are you crying?'
Eric says: 'She was on a bicycle!


Some kids stopped me outside the off-licence yesterday and said, "Hey mate, will you go in there and get us ten Richmond?" "Sure I will," I replied, taking their money. On the way out I gave them their sausages and informed them they only come in packs of eight!


The missus asked me if I could remember exactly how many women had I dated over the years. I replied, “I really don't want to answer that, darling, you know I've had a past andI don't want to upset you” “C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it” So I had to sit there and count them all. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12." And that’s when the fight started!


Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com    Now, get back to work!

Saturday, 17 November 2012

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD....





1.. U can't count your hair
2.. U can't wash your eyes with soap
3.. U can't breathe when your tongue is out
Put your tongue back in you fool.


10 Things I know about you...
1) U are reading this
2) U are human.
3) U can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
4) U just attempted to do it
6) U are laughing at yourself
7) U have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
8) U just checked to see if there is a No.5
9) U laugh at this because you did this & everyone else does it too !!!!
10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it....



Being British is all about driving a German car to an Irish pub for Belgian beer, then grabbing an Indian curry to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV....

Battle of the sexes...








After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"
He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles...

He was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag Babe?"
He said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
He said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".


His girlfriend has just asked him how many women he's shagged.
He said, 'I really don't want to answer that love, you know I've had a past & I don't want to upset you!'
'C'mon' she said, 'I can handle it!'
So he had to sit there and count them all.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12."

I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living. The barman was crushed to death


She was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this".
He replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".



Friday, 16 November 2012

The Irish Bic Lighter....




Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle
box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in
his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears

back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, ‘What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

Monday, 12 November 2012

Sex in heaven?



A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.   Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.  After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Norfolk!"

Scam!!!




Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out Of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket store, in my case, Tesco at Glossop. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on September 4th, 9th &10th, twice on the 15th, again on 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also on October 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th, twice yesterday and very likely again this coming weekend!! P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl's are £1.75 and look better.

So, watch out...

Getting it all wrong (again).....




We men tend to misinterpret exactly what the opposite sex are endeavouring to convey.   Last year, the missus asked me to take her to see ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ and I got it all totally incorrect.  Dropping her off on the Somalian coastline wasn’t exactly what she anticipated. 

Moreover, last week was my birthday and I didn't feel too clever when I awakened on the day. I staggered downstairs for breakfast, hoping that the wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and just maybe have a small present for me.  As things turned out, she barely said anything, let alone ‘Many Happy Returns’. I surmised that marriage is like that, however, the kid will definitely remember my special day. She eventually came bounding downstairs, and didn't even utter a monosyllable.  Consequently, when I left for the gig that afternoon, I felt pretty low and quite despondent.   As I walked into the venue where I was working, my new agent, who is a lovely, gorgeous girl called Sylvia, who said, “Good Morning, and by the way,   Happy Birthday!”  I was consoled by the fact that at least someone had remembered this special occasion.  After speaking at the luncheon at about 4pm, Sylvia knocked on my dressing room door and declared, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out for a few beers, just you and me....”   I   replied, “Cheers, Sylvia, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!” We went to my local pub, ‘The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife’ and had a few sherbets. Then we went to a different pub, where we wouldn’t normally frequent, and had a few more drinks there.
I got carried away and had copious pints of beer, followed by several Zambuca shot chasers, in addition to a packet of salted peanuts, plus a bag of pork scratchings.   Having enjoyed the afternoon tremendously, Sylvia looked at me in a most provocative and seductive manner, then with eyes like burning embers, she suddenly proclaimed,   “You know, it's been such an enjoyable day, you don't need to go straight back, do you?”   I responded, “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?”  She replied “Why not let’s drop by my place, it's just around the corner, I intend to surprise you!”  Upon arriving at her house, Sylvia turned to me and said, “If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”  “Alright”, I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom, then  after what seemed an eternity, she came out carrying a massive birthday cake, followed by the missus, the  kid, and dozens of my  friends and showbiz colleagues, all singing 'Happy Birthday To You!, Happy Birthday To You!'. I was flabbergasted and I just sat there on the settee.  Completely naked....  


I fully realise that laughter isn't for everyone. It's only for folk who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive. Exercise your guffaw glands today!  Have a chortle on me! Visit my website  www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!  You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com
                                                                                                                    

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

What do Manchester City and a three point plug have in common? They're both useless in Europe.


Ian Holloway Quotes...








QPR boss Holloway came up with the quote of the century to describe his team's lacklustre performance against Chesterfield in 2003.

"To put it in gentleman's terms, if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, you've done what you set out to do. We didn't look our best today but we've pulled. Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks they're not. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She may not have been the best looking lady we ended up taking home but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let's have coffee."



"Every dog has its day - and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark."

Holloway searches for a chink in the armour of Cristiano Ronaldo in his BBC column in 2008.
"He's six-foot something, fit as a flea, good-looking - he's got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he's hung like a hamster! That would make us all feel better!"

Holloway bounces back into management with Blackpool in 2009.
"One minute I was painting the lounge, the next I'm being asked to manage a Championship side. My wife will have to finish the glossing."

Holloway on his Blackpool players after the 4-1 defeat by his future employers Crystal Palace, also in October 2009.
"If you're a burglar, it's no good poncing about outside somebody's house, looking good with your swag bag ready. Just get in there, burgle them and come out. I don't advocate that obviously, it's just an analogy."

Holloway denies reports he is ready to leave Bloomfield Road in January 2010.
"I am more than happy [at Blackpool] and I am afraid the chairman will need a hell of a tub of cream to get rid of me - I'm like a bad rash and not easily curable."
Some more random Holloway one-liners....
"I love Blackpool. We're very similar. We both look better in the dark."

"Paul Furlong is my vintage Rolls Royce and he cost me nothing. We polish him, look after him, and I have him fine-tuned by my mechanics. We take good care of him because we have to drive him every day, not just save him for weddings."

"'I have such bad luck at the moment that if I fell in a barrel of boobs I'd come out sucking my thumb."

"[Plymouth defender] Hasney Aljofree's bust his hooter. He can smell round corners now."

"I am a football manager. I can't see into the future. Last year I thought I was going to Cornwall on my holidays but I ended up going to Lyme Regis."

"Most of our fans get behind us and are fantastic, but those who don't should shut the hell up or they can come round my house and I will fight them."

"It was lucky that the linesman wasn't stood in front of me as I would have poked him with a stick to make sure he was awake."

Thinking outside the square....




                                                 An ethical dilemma - what would you do ?

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired by PETROFAC for a staff position (out of 20 applicants), had no trouble coming up with an answer.
WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. And I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."


BUT....the correct answer is………..
to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, shag the perfect partner against the bus stop and drive off for a beer with the old friend.

Monday, 5 November 2012

Addlepated Blather...






Sometimes, I wonder why is there enough tarmac to make speed humps, yet there's never enough to fill in pot holes in our ravaged road infrastucture.


This coming Tuesaday, millions of Americans will wake up, and be forced to make a crucial decision. Will it be a Big Mac or a Quarter Pounder for breakfast?

On Bonfire Night, never go back to a firework, no matter how many times it says "I'm really sorry, I was drunk. I still love you"....

I hear on the grapevine that Eric Clapton was on 6 Music earlier saying how Savile's career really took off in 1967 when backstage at Top of the Pops, he introduced Cream to the Small Faces...


I reckon most of Jimmy Saviles victims must be Man City supporters. They say f**k all for 40 years, then all pipe up at once!

Lawyers should have never asked a Derbyshire grandmother a certain question if they weren’t prepared for the answer. In a court case, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams, I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two bit pen pusher..... Yes, I know you."

The solicitor was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the village. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife....
Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both solicitors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, I'll send the pair of you both down for a ten year stretch in Strangeways!"



"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you? It goes in one ear and straight out of the other." This always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me. I took her to my local pub disco at The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, last weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had; break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the whole nine yards. The missus turned to me and sez, "See that fella over there, twenty five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." I replied, "Looks like he's still flamin’ celebrating!"



Popped into a cafe on the High Street yesterday. I shouted over the waitress and curtly informed her, "This all-day breakfast is stone cold." She replied, "Well what did you expect? It's been there all day!"



Teacher asks 9 year old Ben in class, “Spell the word ‘Straight.’ Ben answers, “S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T, miss.” “Correct, now what does it mean?” enquired the teacher. Ben thought for a moment and replied, “Without water, miss”.



Thought for Thursday: There is no pleasure in having nothing whatsoever to do; the real fun is in having loads to do and not doing it...


This whimsical column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com                 Email me: comedianuk@sky.com