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Saturday, 26 May 2012

We live in strange times....





Are we are living in a time warp? Manchester City are League Champions. Tom Jones and Engelbert Humperdinck are both in the charts. What is happening?  Then again, when one considers that over the past few weeks, Torres scored a hat-trick, England was on flood alert whilst officially in a drought, and surface to air missiles are to be placed on top of council flat housing blocks in South East London, then I’d swear if I didn't know any better, that Mr Bean had written this month’s news headlines. Isn't life ace when the whole planet has gone big-time skewiff?

Mind you, Barmy Albert has always said that, “Man City would rise from the ashes like a pheasant.” When I pointed out the fact that he meant a phoenix, Albert merely sniffed and replied, “I knew it was some kind of bird beginning with the letter ‘F’.

Eugene J Polley, the inventor of the television remote control has died at the age of 96.  Have they tried turning his batteries the other way round and smacking him against the coffee table?

A chronically obese teenager cut free from her home by workmen after she grew too big to go outside remained in hospital today.  She weighed up to 60st by the time she was urgently rescued from the house that had become her prison.  She is in a South Wales hospital in wards A2, A3, A4, A5 and B6.  Doctors have given her a thorough examination and concluded that she has an 'overactive knife and fork'. The hospital has instigated palliative care for the patient.  She won't fit in a bed, so they've had to put her on pallets. 

Kids do say the funniest things. In primary school the teacher asked the class to make a sentence using the word 'avocado'. Little Tommy stood up and pronounced, “My dad has a driving license, but we don't avocado.”

What fantastic weather we’ve been having. Last weekend the missus phoned me and said, "Where the hell are you? You’re supposed to be picking me up from my mother’s house." I said, "I'm relaxing in the garden with my mate Dave. I can’t drive now because I'm already on my fourth can of lager." "I don't believe you!" she shouted. "Hang on" I said, holding the phone away from me, "Dave, isn't this my fourth can?"

Try this! 1. While sitting at your table or desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so …..And there’s nothing you can do about it!

I’ve just returned from a gig in Blackpool. Never again! On the seafront I saw a guy and this woman having a shouting match, until the woman smacked the guy in the head and they started fighting. Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down, he started battering the fella with his truncheon, in the end the man grabs the truncheon from the copper and starts hitting him AND his missus! Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!

Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! Now that the footie season has ground to a halt, it is time for yours truly to find alternative employment and this year, I am going to be working on a brand new ship! It is called the Carnival Breeze and features its very own comedy club, which I will be appearing in. I attach a photo of this magnificent vessel, moreover, you can take a virtual tour of the ship on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsK4l2rKqTM   Don’t forget my website and Jokey-Bloggington is online 24/7 for your enjoyment, just click on   http://www.comedianuk.com/    and all will be revealed. My email is: comedianuk@sky.com
 This column will reappear in the autumn, so until then, have a great summer, play Fruit Ninja and chillax, just like our Dave!



                                                         CARNIVAL BREEZE

Monday, 21 May 2012

A A A A A Syndrome Strikes Again!





I am not feeling myself. My back legs have gorn,  having contracted the most appalling malady.  I have given it the moniker of A.A.A.A.A Syndrome – Age Activated Attention Arrears Ataxia. This is how it manifests itself: I decide to mow the lawn. As I lurch towards the front door, I notice that there are letters that have been just delivered by the postie. I go through the mail before I start to cut the grass. The lawnmower is in the garage. I lay the garage keys down on the hall table, put the junk mail in the waste bin under the table, and notice it is full. So, I decide to put the letters back on the table and take out the rubbish first.


However, then I think, since I’m going to be near the garage when I take out the waste, I may as well get the lawnmower out of the garage in readiness. I take the garage keys off the table, and notice that they are actually my car keys. Seeing the car keys reminds me that it needs taxing. Moreover, the garage key is on a hook in the utility room, so I go upstairs to my study and on my desk, I find an unopened bottle of beer that I was going to drink last night. I’m going to look for my cheque book, because I need to tax my car. But first I need to push the beer bottle aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the beer is warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to maintain the temperature of the beer, because warm beer is horrible.

As I head toward the kitchen with the beer, a wilting potted plant on the dining room table attracts my attention – it needs to be watered. I plonk the beer down on the kitchen worktop, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I reckon that I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the arid aspidistra. I set the spectacles back down on the worktop and endevour to fill a jug with water, when I spot the TV remote control nestling by the bread crock.

My daughter Nellie must have left it in the kitchen. I realise that later on, when we go to watch the telly, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will even consider that it’s in the kitchen, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I’ll water the plant. I splash some water on the aspidistra, but most of it spills on the mahogany table. So, I set the TV remote back down on the worktop, get some paper towel and wipe up the spill. Then I head off down the front path, trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn’t taxed, the lawn un-mowed, there is a warm bottle of lager sitting on the dining room table, the Aspidistra’s well dead, I can’t find the TV remote, my reading specs are on the missing list. I cannot recollect what the foxtrot-uniform-charlie-kilo I've done with the car keys. I try to figure out why bugger all has got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really knackered. I realise this is a serious problem, but I must remember to put the wheelie bin out tonight, because it’s Wednesday… or is it Thursday today?


Only the really good jokes are the ones I can take credit for.  But you can always visit my website. Just click on www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me:  comedianuk@sky.com








Thursday, 17 May 2012

Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational,..






Which once again, asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.   Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a
spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and
cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are
asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.  And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having flat stomach.

4 Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



The Comeback....

                                                       Jedward meet Justin Bieber....


There was once a great actor named Sir Warwick Hunt, who lived behind the gas works on Clegg Street, next to ‘er with dirty curtains. He had a monumental problem.


Stage fright had manifested itself. He could no longer remember his lines. His shed had gorn. In short, there was air getting in. The modem was lit, but he was not online.

Finally, after many years he finds  a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The limelight beckoned and Sir Warwick couldn’t resist. Oh! The roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd. Wahee!


The director says,

"This is the most important part, and it has
only one line, you must walk on to the stage
carrying a rose, you must hold the rose
with just one finger and your thumb to your nose,
sniff the rose deeply and then say the line
‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’"


The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play
he’s practicing his line over and over again.
Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage,
and with great passion delivered the line;
"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming
with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered,
"What happened, did I forget my line?"
"NO!" the director screamed,

"YOU FORGOT THE BLOODY ROSE!"



Wednesday, 16 May 2012

The way things are...



The outcome of different situations, in alternative locations absolutely amaze me. For example, if you stand in the middle of your local library and scream your head off, then everyone will stare at you as though you are unhinged and require sectioning under the Mental Health Act. Whereas, if perchance, you did the same on a plane, then everyone would join in with you. Fascinating!

A woman I met at the pub took me back to her place. I was just about to shag her when I hesitated.

"What's wrong?" she asked.  "We are on the first floor aren't we?"   "Yes. Why?"  "I'm sure I've just seen someone walk past the window."   "Well it can't be my husband," she replied, "He's out playing basketball tonight."


I answered the door to a pair Jehovah's Witnesses on Tuesday morning. "Oh please, do come in," I begged, smiling at them. I escorted them into the new conservatory, made them a pot of Earl Grey tea, prepared some smoked salmon sandwiches and told them to make themselves comfortable. Then I left the mother-in-law's house and went home. I was initially annoyed when the mother- in- law asked me to go round in the first instance to check her smoke alarms, but it wasn't a completely wasted trip. At least I've now got some spare batteries for the TV remote control.

Last week, I inadvertently misinterpreted what the missus was endeavouring to convey. I made a terrible error. She requested that I take her to see ‘Pirates of the Caribbean.’ Apparently, leaving her on the Somalian coastline was not what she really meant. It's weird, is it not, that most men spend the formative years of their lives, wishing that women would chat to them, and the balance of their existence, wishing desperately that they would shut up.

Sometimes, on a rainy day, to alleviate any monotony and have a bit of a chortle, I do like going into a the local charity shop, picking up a random shoe and asking, “Excuse me, have you got these in black, size nine?” Or maybe grabbing a jacket off a hanger and saying "Do you have this in Extra Medium?” My absolute favourite is sauntering into Tesco, filling a trolley full of beer, then placing a packet of disposable nappies a tin of Cow & Gate baby milk on top. Whilst proceeding through the checkout, I apologise and inform the cashier that I haven’t got enough money and ask to put the nappies and milk back. I just love the expressions on their faces!

Thought for Thursday: You should always give 100% at work.12% Monday. 23% Tuesday. 40% Wednesday. 20% Thursday. 5% Friday....

Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my jokeblog: http://www.comedian.ws/
 or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com
Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring today, then it was me!



Friday, 11 May 2012

Married for 30 years...




After being married for 30 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said .......

"Thirty years ago we had a dilapidated house, a junk car, slept on
a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a £500,000 home, a £30,000 car, a nice big bed and a
large screen 52" Plasma, with surround sound TV, and ... I'm sleeping with a 53-year-old not-so-hot woman, with a face like a pirates flag.  It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

The missus is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old chick and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a dilapidated house, driving a junk car,  sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.





Socrates thoughts on gossip....





Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.


In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his missus.



Monday, 7 May 2012

Cometh the hour, cometh the man! Woy Hodgson is here!




Everyone is on Twitter! When asked recently if he had ever tweeted anyone, Roy Hodgson said: “Yes, I tweeted my wife to a womantic dinner on her birthday.” I think with Hodgson in charge, England will find it easy against Sweden but they might stwuggle with Ukwaine and Fwance.  This one could wun and wun!!

For those of you who bought tickets for my motivational speech course tomorrow,
 it's been cancelled.  I can't be arsed.

Breaking News: Tom Tom have launched a new Sat Nav system especially for the over seventies. When you get where you're going, it reminds you what you've gone for...

This fella buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. A friend of his sez, "I thought she wanted a sporty, 4 x 4 wheel drive Range Rover Evoque?" The man replies, "She did, but where was I going to find a fake Range Rover Evoque?"

Yesterday afternoon, the missus called me on my mobile phone. "I've broken down in Tintwistle. I have water in the carburettor." she opined. "Where’s the car?" I asked. She sez, "It’s in the reservoir." When I got there she’d dipped the headlights as well. Oh, and now I know that the airbag works!

I came home from my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, very late last night. "Where the hell have you been?" screamed the missus. I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes." "Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and get out!" "So can you" I said, "This ain’t our house anymore."

This university student delivered a pizza to my house last weekend. "I suppose you want a tip?" I asked him. "That would be fantastic," retorted the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got 50p, I’d be very lucky." I sez, "Well, to prove him wrong, here’s a fiver. Anyway, what are you studying?" "Applied psychology," replied the student.

Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday,  but they took ages to get ready.


Barmy Albert’s late uncle was a taxidermist and had bequeathed him two stuffed dogs in his will. Albert decided to take them onto Dickenson’s Real Deal. "A pair of Bobby Dazzlers," said David Dickenson himself, "These are Tibetan Mastiffs’. They are a very rare and expensive breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were still alive?" "Sticks?" Barmy Albert replied.


The missus decided to join an aerobics class. She bent, twisted, gyrated and jumped up and down for an hour. But, by the time she got her leotard on the class was over! She reckons that she has flabby thighs, luckily, her stomach covers them.

Thought for Thursday: When you swim up a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray...

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun, or do you just get lots more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Cheer up, the summer drought is-a comin’! Now, get back to work!