Tuesday, 27 March 2012
On Tuesday, I decided to spend an hour at the wife’s grave. Bless her. She thinks I’m digging a pond. Sadly, she lost her last job because she had rheumatism in the shoulder. Consequently, she couldn’t throw the harpoon anymore.
The mere power of thought is fascinating. It’s all mind over matter. Yesterday, I melted an ice cube just by staring at it. Took a bit longer than I thought it would though.
Relationships of today: Mother to daughter: "What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?" "Of course he is, Mum. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three most well-behaved children."
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay? I inadvertently bid six quid for a cowboy outfit last night and if I don't cancel this bid I'm going to be the new owner of Wolverhampton Wanderers Football Club tomorrow morning. Help!!
A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. "Doctor, Doctor, I think my husband is insane!" she says. "Every morning at breakfast, he eats his coffee cup and leaves only the handle." "He is definitely insane," says the psychiatrist. "The handle of a cup is the tastiest bit." Underlying issues perchance?
Fascinating Fact: Were you stuck on yesterdays Times crossword puzzle? If so, Seven Up is Lemonade....
Yes, on the outside I may look like a sad, embarrassing, pathetic moron that everyone laughs at and nobody likes, however on the inside, there is a confident, happy and loving individual trying to get out. But, a job's a job, and Everton do need to have a mascot.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I sez, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.
Have you noticed how the top and bottom biscuit in the packet are always broken? I don't know why they bother putting them in. McVities take note!
A police recruit had to take part in an examination. The first question was: "What would you do if you had to arrest your own wife in your own home?" "Call for backup" replied the recruit.
Thought for Thursday: If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.
Only the really good jokes are the ones I can take credit for. But you can always visit my website. Just click on www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
Monday, 19 March 2012
Yesterday morning, I spotted a bloke running really fast down the High Street wearing a cape. I immediately thought that the Tameside and Glossop area had a new super hero! Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be some scallywag who had not paid for his haircut!
Tesco have announced that it will create 20,000 new jobs across the UK, within the next twelve months. Donald Tusk, The Polish Prime Minister, is said to be “absolutely delighted”....
The missus texted me at a gig last week: "Windows at home frozen - what should I do?" I texted back: "Spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them." A few minutes later, she replied: "Done all that, now computer won't work at all now”.
New Definitions for Today: Walcott (verb) - To start something with promise, but finish poorly. Example: Arsenal have just been Walcotted out of Europe.
I walked up to reception area in the hotel and said, "Sorry, but I have genuinely forgotten what room I'm in." The concierge gazed at me and replied, "No problem with that sir, this bit is called the lobby."
Thought for Thursday: It is a paradoxical, but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it.
Apparently, Barmy Albert’s mother said to him, "Get me anything from the Body Shop for Mothers Day!" So he got her a nearside wing for a Ford Focus. No doubt It’ll be the wrong colour. I don't think he was listening when his mum told him how to use a cotton bud properly. It just went in one ear and out of the other.
I suppose that while the actor George Clooney was handcuffed and arrested outside the Sudanese Embassy, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon were inside robbing the safe.
Some blokes treat girlfriends and iPhones in very much the same manner. When they get a brand new one, it's all they can think about, wanting to play with it all the time and cannot imagine not being with it on a constant basis. Then after about a year or so, it's still there and a part of their everyday life, but they'll start getting a bit bored with it and start thinking about other models. After seeing their peers go through several futuristic generations, they'll compare models and decide whether to stick with the one they already have, or get an upgrade. Some guys even keep their old one knocking around for a bit because it does things that the new one doesn't do, but once the new model accomplishes these tasks, then the old one becomes a thing of the past. Up the Apps! Technology, doncha just love it!
This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting & inflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes & Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on http://www.comedianuk.com/
Email me: email@example.com
Friday, 16 March 2012
Monday, 12 March 2012
On Football Focus last Saturday the pundits were enthusing that the 'spud-faced nipper' Wayne Rooney is the white Pele. If that's the case, then wouldn't that make Torres the white Heskey?
Whilst on the train yesterday, this fella sez to me: "Are you travelling to Manchester?" "Yes." I told him. "And what are you planning to do when you get there?" He enquired. "Get off the train,” I replied. The worst rail travel nuisance must be the dreaded mobile phone. After a gig in London, I settled down on the Pendolino train from Euston, when the geezer sitting near me hauled out his mobile and started off thus: "Hiya sweetikins, it's Steven, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that blonde bimbo from the accounts department, with the boss - no temptress, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc. This was still going on as far as Stoke-on-Trent, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, screamed at the top of her voice, "Hey, Steve, turn that stoopid phone off and come back to bed!”
I hear on the grapevine that on the menu for the Rangers corporate hospitality, the starter is ‘Administroni’ soup! Moreover, when I was a lot younger, I used to enjoy viewing Nick Hancock’s Football Nightmares video over and over again. Now I just watch Andy Carroll. It’s amazing how times change innit!
I came home from the lap-dancing bar last Tuesday night and went straight to bed. After I got undressed, I noticed a man outside rummaging around in my car. "Hey!" I shouted from the bedroom window. He said, "What?" I said, "You've got ten seconds to get away from my car before I call the police." He said, "You've got five seconds to get out of my house before I break your legs."
Barmy Albert asked me, "so how was your holiday then? I replied. "What can I say? It was seven days of nothing but sand and water." "It sounds like you had a great time." He said, "You obviously don't play golf, do you?" I sez to him.
As a struggling actor, I was thrilled when my agent phoned with an audition. "The part is made for you," she enthused. "They want someone your age, height and build, with an accent like yours, plus it's being filmed about ten minutes from your house." "It sounds perfect!" I replied excitedly. "What is it?" "It's a BBC Crimewatch reconstruction." "Erm,no... I'm busy that day..."
I was in my local tavern, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, with the missus, who was giving it large, dancing on a table, so I went over. "They're a fantastic set of legs!" I shouted.
"Ooh," she giggled, with a wink. "Think so, do you!?" "Yeah," I replied. "Most tables would have caved in with that amount of weight on them."
Thought for Thursday: Through humour, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: firstname.lastname@example.org Now, get back to work!
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
Whilst loitering outside the off licence last night, I stopped some bloke who was going in. I sez, "Excuse me mate, can you buy me some beer please?" He looked at me and said, "You must be old enough, surely?" "Oh yeah, of course I am" I replied, "I'm just flaming skint!"
When Non-Stick Nora phoned me on Monday: “I'm in Tameside Hospital!” She opined. Apparently, she ate what she thought was an onion. However, it turned out to be a daffodil bulb. Doctors say that she’ll be out in the spring!
Whilst donating money to sick animals in the betting shop last week, I said to this stranger, "My granddad is 104 years old tomorrow." "Good Heavens,” he exclaimed. “What's his secret?" I thought for a moment and replied, "He was born a very long time ago."
I was showing my doctor a nasty rash on my left testicle yesterday. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it. He just said make an appointment for Friday morning and carried on pushing his trolley around Tesco.
I was chatting to this lovely looking woman in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, and I said, "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy". She replied, "If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.” What further exacerbated an already embarrassing farrago was that when I ordered a pint of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, the young barman looked at me with much disdain and replied, "Do you have any I.D?" I was flabbergasted! "Identification?" I laughed, "I could be your dad." "Prove it!" he replied. So I slapped him round the ear hole and said, "You're grounded, go to your room!"
The missus (or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) phoned me yesterday and proclaimed, "I've got a few pains in my stomach and I feel slightly sick." "What have you eaten?" I politely enquired. She said, "About an hour ago I had a meat and potato pie, chips, peas and gravy, with a jumbo sausage precariously balanced upon the top. Two packets of crisps, a sausage roll, two Kit-Kats and a strawberry milkshake." "That'll be why then" I said, "You're probably hungry." The doctor reckons that she has an overactive knife and fork.
Barmy Albert curtly informed me that he’s applied for the England manager's job. He knows he won't get it, but he reckons that it keeps the dole people off his back for another couple of weeks. Moreover, another pal of mine made the mistake of applying for the Wolves job. He's got to go for an interview on Monday.
Thought for Thursday: You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
Have you ever wished for a clean and shine polishing product that would shift the canker from a rabid armadillo’s snout and make it really gleam? Yes? Then you need to get yourself a Lifebuoy! Reorganize your priorities, firstly visit my website www.Comedian.ws, it ain't gonna hurt, is it? Now, get back to work!
WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up:
So, how was your evening last night?
A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?
Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...
2 MEN - meet at the pub...
So, how was your evening last night?
Incredible! When I came home, the food was just ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?
A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f..k..g candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......disaster.