I was chatting up a gypsy bird in the pub last night, when she asked if I wanted to go back to her place and have a good time. She wasn't kidding. I went on the waltzers, the dodgems, the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish!
Horrible weather here today. Tempestuous rain and fifty mile an hour gales. The missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After four hours, I felt quite guilty and decided to let her in...
A bank is robbed by the same bank robber for the third time in a month. "Did you notice anything unusual about the robber?" asks a detective. "Yes," says the bank clerk. "He was wearing nicer clothes every time."
Watching the rugby last weekend is a bit like watching Doctor Who. I quite enjoy it but if I'm absolutely honest, I have absolutely no idea what's going on.
Genetically modified ‘Superbroccoli’ has gone on sale in the UK today. It'll be flying off the shelves!
I sez to the missus, "You look like you've put on some weight." She curtly informed me, "Tell me summat I don't know." I replied, "Salad tastes really nice.".....
Quantitative easing is where the government prints more money to put into the economy when conventional monetary policy has become ineffective. Mickey Thomas got 3 years in the nick for the same thing. I see we're going to have another round of quantitative easing. Or as they're calling it, QE2. I suppose it'll keep us afloat.
I treated the missus to one of those 'fish pedicures' the other day and I must say, I was very pleased with the result. Those piranhas don't muck about.\
I was astonished to hear last week that Robbie Williams is leaving Take That yet again. I thought he was 'Back for Good'...
During Dickensons Real Deal yesterday afternoon, I gazed at the 19th century solid oak bureau in the corner of my dining room and thought: ' Maybe that is where the Sky remote is.'
I was staring out the window when my wife said, "It looks very different doesn't it?" "Yeah, normally the green grassy bit is at the bottom, whereas the blue cloudy bit is up the top end." After a long pause she asked, "What are you thinking, darling?" "I'm thinking, why did I let you drive?"
Last week, I went to Blockbusters and got a Carlos Tevez DVD, but it won't play....
Thought For Thursday: Okay, now you might call it being a lazy git, However, I call it selective participation....
I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving. As you know some people have brushes with the authorities on their way home. Well I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner And a few drinks, and having had far too much vino, and knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I have never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.
After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his tallywacker with Cherry Blossom shoe polish. I said to him, "You pillock! You're supposed to turn your clock back! On the same subject, I bumped into a dyslexic Yorkshireman today. He was wearing a cat flap.
A baby snake looks at his dad and says "Dad are we poisonous snakes?" His dad says “No son, why do you ask” The baby snake sez, "cos I've just bit my tongue!"
Have you ever had an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whizz around in circles but you were concerned that you’d get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven’t we all? Why doncha visit my website? www.Comedian.ws and peruse my all new Jokey-Blog. You know it’s the right thing to do. All the cool kidz are at it!
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