Thursday, 21 April 2011
Saturday, 2 April 2011
I got my daughter an iPad for Christmas and an iPod for her birthday. The missus got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't pleased, and gazed at my countenance with the utmost disdain, especially when I explained it could be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean networks. Unfortunately, this enabled iNag App which kicked in, and in turn corrupted the iShag function. Modern Technology ~ Doncha just luv it!
The missus (Not even a sniper would take her out!) curtly informed yours truly that she wants a divorce. “You think more about Manchester United, than you do about me,” she extemporised. She’s really got it all wrong. I think more about Manchester City than I do about her!
Last week, whilst visiting the art gallery in Manchester, I was admiring a rather Rubenesque oil painting of a naked woman, her modesty covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on, but I stayed put, continuing to admire this great work of art. The missus asks, "What are you hanging around for?" I replied, "Autumn.”
All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stoopid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life." All this free advice, with no strings attached! If at first you don’t succeed, then that’s the end of skydiving innit!
Alas, Eddie Stobart, founder of the famous logistics company is no more. I have long been a ‘Stobart Spotter’ as I navigate the hallowed tarmacadam of the United Kingdom infrastructure, indeed and I have done for many years. Although Eddie is no longer with us, I shall continue to be a Stobart anorak forever more as I zip hither and thither about the labyrinth of our motorway network. I spotted 158 last week alone, at £1 for every truck, that’s a lot of beer tokens! A film of his life is planned. I saw the trailer last week.
Fascinating Fact No 1: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. Fascinating Fact No 2: It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown and even fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Thought for Thursday: If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. Go on. Have a shufty. You know you want to. It’s firstname.lastname@example.org if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!