Trouble at the Co-op....

Yesterday, I was at my local supermarket buying a bag of dog food for the woofers. Whilst I was in the checkout queue, the woman behind me (she had a face like a pirates flag) asked me if I had a dog. What did she think I had - an armadillo? So, since I was off work and had little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the dog food diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, and that I'd lost two stones before I woke up in intensive care, with a matron and several doctors hovering over my prostrate form. I told her that it was basically a proper diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with doggy biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel peckish. The food is nutritionally complete so it does the business well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the shop was now enthralled with my tale.)
Gobsmacked, she enquired if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned my system I told her definitely not, I merely stepped off the kerb to sniff a nearby Labradors arse and a car hit me. I thought the geezer behind her was going to have a coronary, he was chortling so much. I now cannot enter the local Co-op without supervision. Alaways exercise extreme caution when you ask a comedian any simple question at all. We have all the time in the world to dream up stoopid things to say.





The reason why politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws that they've passed. I’m reliably informed that the next General Election on May 6th could well produce a hung Parliament. I’m all in favour of stringing ‘em up, it’s the only language these fraudsters understand.





Four old friends whose birthdays fall within a few days of each other meet
up for a meal every ten years.
On their 55th they go to Giuseppe's Italian restaurant, because it is
reasonably priced, serves delicious food, and has an excellent wine list.
On their 65th they go to Giuseppe's because it has large print menus and
does a Pensioners' Special.
On their 75th they go to Giuseppe's because it has wheelchair access and a
lift to the first floor.
On their 85th they go to Giuseppe's because they've not been there before.





I have discovered that both women and cats will do exactly as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.



Disclaimer: The accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become uncontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com or gizzuz a tweet on Twitter! www.twitter.com/comedianuk.com. Now, behave yerself and get back to work! The summer is a comin’!