October 2005
If I could give you one tip for the fuschia.......
DON'T waste money on top of the range, state of the art ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "change tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead of the original one. Why not hum the Scottish version? Its called an 'Och Aye pod'
CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts. Have you seen that film called 'The Bible'? I 've read the book.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin all da one time' all the time by actually speaking clearly the first time.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a bucket of diarrhoea in the bin bags along with your old credit card statements.
ARE YOU WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a night drinking copious bottles of red wine? Simply slurp down a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains. Do you already have yellow teeth? Try wearing a brown tie and go walkabout on an autumn day.
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Max Spielman.
MASS MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a hirsute, bloated torso? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via Parcelforce. You will never see it again. But you'll probably still be able to smell it. What about the acid bath murderer that lost his arm pulling the plug out!
BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing two-thirds of the CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down five notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail. When you receive it, jump up and down and shout "WAHEE!"
KIDS: Fool your 12 year old daughter into believing that you have bought her a pony by tapping two pistachio nutshells together thereby giving the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. I reckon that its not that bad being blind. When you die, you just think that you've gone deaf. You are therefore, immortal.
ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness. Especially when you have your own recycling skip round the back ginnell.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove compartment or in the boot.
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on Co-Codamol, Ibroprufen or similar.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large clam shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. Or somewhere beyond the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. If you buy them whilst on holiday in Taiwan, they have a label on the sole of the footwear bearing the legend 'Made round the corner'.
SINGLE MEN: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Top Shop with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
DESIGNER LABELS: I have a suit that has a designer label. It sez 'MATT ALLEN'
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan. If your missus is blonde, then ensure that she dosen't put the egg-timer in the boiling water along with the chucky eggs
ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices. Why do they call it ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS? When you attend a meeting, you have to stand up and say "My name's Steve, and I'm an alcoholic".
McDONALD'S RESTARAUNT'S: Listen up! Pay Attention! Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of the car window by heretics.
WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a toss anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house later on.
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