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Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Only a Geordie man can make you feel like a woman!


A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"




For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman In the front of the plane. Then a man from Newcastle stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke...



"Iron this -- and then get me a beer Pet."

Christmas Gubbins....




When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and

two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big

Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?

I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.






: 12/07/09 07:33:00

Have A Cool Yule!!


Christmas Tip No 1. Never eat anything served from a window unless you are a seagull! My lovely daughter Susannah (12) and I went through the McDonald's Drive- thru and I gave the assistant a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, “You gave me too much money.” I sez, “Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a quid back.” She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said “We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.” The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change. You couldn’t make it up, could you??



Christmas past (three years back) was totally unbearable. I asked the wife what she would like for a prezzie, and with a voice laden with scorn, she screamed at me: “I’m sick of you and I want a divorce!!” I must admit, I wasn’t really thinking of spending that much! I did my utmost to try to make amends with the harridan. I made every endeavour to get her into the Christmas spirit, but to no avail. On Boxing Day, I told her to get her coat on, because of an invitation to a Christmas party. “Oooh” she sez “Have I been invited too?” “No” I replied, “ I’m turning the heating off.” Upon asking her if she would kiss me under the mistletoe, she curtly informed yours truly, “I wouldn’t kiss you under an anaesthetic!” Anyway, I got her a new bag and a matching belt for Christmas. I must say that the Hoover works great now! It wasn’t picking up proper before.



In retrospect, the ex-missus was a tad stressed out at the time, primarily because of being very busy at work during the bleak midwinter months. She was a gritter over Woodhead. You’d be amazed how many men used to follow her up our drive every night. There was one morning in particular, I recollect, when the phone rang at about 3-30 am. Upon answering it, (albeit half-a-kip) I mumbled summat about the caller having the wrong number and that he really should contact the meteorological office. The wife asked who was on the phone at such an unearthly hour. I replied “some geezer asking if the coast was clear.” What’s all that about then?



There was one fella sat all on his own in my local pub, The Pit-Bull & Stanley Knife. Apparently it was his firms Christmas ‘do’. I asked him where everybody else was; he replied, “I’m self-employed”



Went to a local restaurant and the missus wasn’t keen on what was on the menu. The waiter sez, “Would you like to hear the specials, madam?” The wife replied, “Yes please” The waiter then sez,” Dis town, Ah ah, is comin’ like a ghost town! All da clubs is closin' down!"

In Christmas past, I bought a turkey from MFI. It took me two days to assemble it. I then discovered that there was a piece left over. The plot thickened on Boxing Day, when a leg fell off!



Two turkeys were talking to each other. One sez “What do you think about all this bird flu that’s knocking about?” The other turkey replied, “ I hope we don’t get culled before Christmas”





A happy Christmas to all my readers, I sincerely wish you all the best and hope that you have a triffic time! Yule log on to my website www.ComedianUK.com or gizza festive Tweet on www.twitter.com/comedianuk

More Tiger!!!


It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.



Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."



Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."



Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."



Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Again before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."



Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. NOW, CAN I GO HOME?

Saturday, 12 December 2009

It's THAT time of year again, innit!!


If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit. And if he is laughing and chuckling away, whilst flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then lets face it, you’re drunk! Gerroff home!



I asked our butcher how long a turkey would last in the freezer, he told me "about three months". I sez " Thats very strange, coz I put one in the freezer last night and it was dead this morning."





Whilst doing a bit of Krimbo shopping, I popped into a record shop and asked the assistant "What have you got by The Doors?", she replied, "A bucket of sand and the security bloke". Whats all that about then?



Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. I told them to get lost. Anyone who can fit into my clothes certainly ain’t starving!







After a Christmas party gig that I did recently in a Manchester hotel, I decided to visit the residents bar. and ordered a mug of ‘Farquaharsons Famous Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer’. Feeling immensely confident, I sidled up to a voluptuous young woman and pronounced in my best Richard Burton voice "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at me and said, "For the first two-thirds of it, I probably wasn't even born yet." Oh dear! Hat and coat time already!







The missus (or Monsters Inc in Matalan, as I lovingly refer to her) informed me that she had been to an Ann Summers Christmas party. Apparently, it’s just like a Tupperware party, but with batteries and lotsa tinsel. She purchased a couple of really odd items, such as some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. I don't eat her cooking, so I'm not going to eat her vest am I? She reckoned that if we went upstairs and I handcuffed her to the bed, I could do anything that I wanted. So I handcuffed her to the bed, then I went to the pub.



Moreover, on a chilly winter evening, this week, I was lying on the sofa with the missus watching television. During the commercial break, I reached over and
gave her foot a gentle squeeze. "Mmmmm," she sez. "That's nice, do it again" "Actually," I admitted sheepishly, "I thought it was the remote control."







With Christmastide on the horizon, I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchen cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ last September. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk. Now, get back to work!

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a
nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be
considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records
Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby
Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times
and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking
commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered
safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must
also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a
venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please
note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their
fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we
would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be
considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and
safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without
appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches,
stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also
requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of
year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally
heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his /
her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have
been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of
UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load
that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in
the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and
how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.
Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty
road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent
inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his
discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply
referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof
may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold'
etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the
potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A
suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause
in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by
stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC
routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest
route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the
guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three
kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for
the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from
the camels hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness
of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R
Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and
disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this
offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions -
including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this
investigation takes place.

"QUOTES"

In heaven all the interesting people are missing.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
- Oscar Wilde

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Tiger Woods Latest!!!



Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She

said "I don't know exactly, but put me down for a 5."




Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a

hole-in-one.



What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a

ball 400 yards.



What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing



Why did Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant AND a tree? He couldn't decide

between a wood and an iron.



Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday? To pick up some tips on how

to beat Tiger.



What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he

knows.



Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesn't fare very well on the

driveway.



Whats the difference between a golf ball and a caddy? Tiger can drive a

golf ball.



Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems.

Apparently, Tiger's spraying his balls everywhere.



It turns out that fixing Tiger's game and fixing his marriage both

require the same thing: better control over his putter... 





Why was Tiger's wife mad at him? She heard that he played a-round in

Australia.



What will the headline be if they prove it is domestic violence? TIGER'S

WIFE MAKES THE CUT



Given Tiger's racial heritage can we call this a Black Thai affair?



Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family.

Cheetah.



Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell them

apart? Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.



First words spoken to the paramedics by Tiger: Who are you? And what are

all these trees doing in my living room?



What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? They've both been

clubbed by a Norwegian.

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Tuesday, 1 December 2009

Are You American??


Are you American?
1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is
over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your
decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of
cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park.
What do you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armor, 20
cheerleaders, a marching souzaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley,
and a team of orthopedic surgeons specializing in spinal injuries.
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a
rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet
if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died
quickly
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home
hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after
sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist
faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head,
whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering
inbreeds.
5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c)A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six
eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five
corn dogs and a diet root beer.
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get
married.
What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at
a hotel
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel
in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult
phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team
sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armory and buy him an arsenal of
semiautomatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
8. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your
wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't
happen again
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue
your wife's ass.

Fancy Travelling To Oz??


These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. I'm told they
were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual
responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Draw your own conclusions!

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so
how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - Can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some info about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (UK)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum
trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath.